Road Trippin'

I just finished up 10 days of driving and living within the confines of my minivan with my 4 boys + husband. Big, scruffy, hungry boys. Boys who I’m sure are messier and dirtier and stinkier than I raised them to be. What ever happened? Clothes and underwear and toothpaste and headphones and books and games and hats and wrappers and cups and Kleenexes everywhere. Everywhere. Our van smells like Subway meets Chipotle + 8 stinky feet. We shared the seats in the van for 50 hours, shared one hotel room for too many days, shared the ransacked food in the cooler jammed between the back seats. 

But worst of all, we shared the same toilet. If ever I was to wonder where my parenting went bad, I need only to look at the shared toilet. Were they raised in a barn? Hit the water, not the seat my boys! In fact, just because you CAN stand up to pee doesn't mean you SHOULD. Have a seat. On the throne. It's better for all of us. 

And best of all, we shared the same moments. These moments created memories that span the miles of 7 states and 1 province, and back again. These moments created a lot of laughter, a little frustration, and sporadic times of quiet. As I write this we are making our way across Michigan, heading home, and my boys are discussing the pros and cons of various movies present and past, and of course, talking about all the restaurants we DIDN’T eat at (cue second mortgage here). 

I learned some things about my boys...

One of them actually does NOT like his name. (What???? Bite tongue and swallow hard and...apologize? Nope. Smile knowing deep down that it really isn't that bad).

One of them would eat at Pizza Ranch every day if he could, although on any other given day he doesn't like cheese. (Pizza Ranch, we learned, is a pizza buffet. Great for most teenaged boys. Tuck that piece of advice away).

One of them stills loves to play Pokemon on his DS. (Hours of silent entertainment in the back).

One of them said out of the blue, "I think it would have been awkward to have 3 boys and 1 girl", sparking a quick reply of another: "I think she would have been a “homie”. She would have been just like us." ("Awkward"?? That's an interesting word choice...")

But there is something about family, something about being together even after being apart. There is something about growing up together that binds us together, that anchors us, that secures us and protects us. It provides room for the tension of love and laughter alongside frustration and disappointment. It creates space for honesty and compassion. It allows for uniqueness and creativity, for truth and character, for freedom and grace. Most of all, it paves the way so there is always a way back.

And that something is actually someone: Jesus.  Keep Jesus in your family. 

Even when it's a hard conversation - have it. 

Even if it's an awkward conversation - have it. 

Family is worth it. Your family is worth it. Your boys are worth it.

Our 10 day road trip was probably the last of it's kind for our family. Which is why we did it. Because we love our boys and value our time together and know that the sacrifices of time and energy (and money...) are worth it even if the toilet is disgusting and I can't possibly eat one more slice of pizza.

All in all, we did alright. 

Especially for being a family that hasn't even been in the same country let alone the same minivan for most of the past year. This is how I know God is real. Lord have mercy, we all survived.

But we not only survived. I believe we all came out a little stronger.

Yup - that's a little Poker game going' on.

Invisible

I want to tell my kids that they are not invisible.

I want to tell them that they are seen and loved.  I want them to know that the other high schoolers sitting in their classes who are choosing to not see my sons are missing out. They are missing out on a friendship with a loyal, caring, compassionate and fun boy (or two, or three, or four).

I want them to know that my heart breaks every morning they head out the door for school. My mother's heart would do anything to protect them and provide everything they need.  But the fact is, I feel powerless to change it and them and those others who choose to not see the goodness and depth that exists within my boys. I just feel angry that it is still hard, that it is still not wanted, that it is not what it used to be.

I grieve all that was lost and I cry. I cry a deep cry that acknowledges, perhaps for the first time, the hole that exists within me because of what no longer is. I feel my heart crying, "Oh God, what have we done?"...knowing full well we did exactly what He asked us to do.

It was a transition of obedience.  But it was hard.  Honestly, it is hard.  Three months in, and I am tired and just wish it was all easier - the whole thing: life, work, school, friends, family, sports...

Moving has been the hardest thing we have ever done. It brings comparisons between what was and what is, and between who was and who is. It is a chance to grow and depend on each other and on God. But it is also a daily struggle of hoping each day is better than the one before.  Often it is two steps forward, and one step backward. I am very thankful for those who have helped us take the two steps forward each time, because there have been many! And I am also thankful for our church youth groups who have welcomed our boys with open arms.

Transitioning is a process and it requires courage and grace, strength and compassion, determination and perseverance. All are necessary in life; good things to learn; great things to become awesome at. My boys are becoming awesome at these things.  I see them change and try and dig deeper and learn to be more than they were, more than they could have been had we stayed put. And for that I am thankful, even if they don't see it that way.

But as I watch my son watch everyone around him I think, "Can you see him?  Can you just turn around and notice the boy standing alone behind you?"  I'm scared because I know that my boy is hurting; he is lonely but he is trying; he puts one foot in front of the other each morning and for that I am so proud of him.  He joins new groups and teams in an attempt to find a friend, someone who likes him for who he is, someone who laughs at his jokes and acknowledges all he is.

Someone who sees him.
Because he is not invisible.

He is loved and known. They are all loved and known.
I know that, and I pray that they know it too.

My 4 Sons

Twice this week, I have been shocked and stunned into the realization that my boys are growing into men.  I'm not sure that I am ready for it.  

On Monday night I sat between my two young teenagers and was overwhelmed to hear them sing as we began Holy Week together.  I looked down the row to see their 2 younger brothers singing and bouncing to the beat.  My heart nearly burst with joy and thankfulness.  I mentally wrapped my arms around these young men and held them close.  I didn't want to ever let go.

This morning, we walked in to church together for the Good Friday service and each of my boys seemed a few inches taller.  I'm not sure why.  We sat together in the second row (which rarely happens!) and again, I mentally wrapped my arms around all of them.  I wanted to draw them close, to soak up this moment of family togetherness, and to never let go.  As if he felt it too, my husband, who was sitting in front of us, reached over and grabbed my hand that was sitting on my knee.  He gave me a quick wink and squeezed my hand gently.  

Family.  Solidarity.  Strength.  Courage.  Unconditional love.  Growth.  Freedom.  Love.  Blessing.

These boys-turning-men are my everything.  They are unique but the same, adventurous but steady, funny but serious, talented but humble (well...most of the time).  Above all, they are my inspiration.

 

Johnny ~

My firstborn, my boy closer to manhood than I want to admit.  You are talented in so many ways and I pray that you know it and believe it.  Whether its in the sports you play or the people you encourage, you demonstrate a strength and a maturity that few have, but many recognize.  You are the best "biggest" brother that anyone could want.  Your compassion for others resonates in all you do.  Your leadership abilities will take you far.  Find true joy in serving others. Believe in yourself and above all, believe in the God who gave you all these wonderful abilities.  

Matt ~

My second born, my boy of many wonders and surprises.  There was a time when I might have called you the strong silent type, but now you have grown into a young man that knows when to speak and what to say.  One of my favourite moments was when you told me you were going to run for School Council President...it seemed so out of character for you!  But you grabbed that idea, ran with it, and won!!  This to me proves that you have an inner strength and determination that few have.  Your gentleness is evident to all.  You are destined to do great things, I am sure.  With God as your compass and your guide, go change the world!

                                                                                   

Eric ~

My third born, my boy of immense character and passion.  You have such a zest for life!  Your determination and passion for the things you desire is second to none - except maybe your sense of humour!!!  Your creative imagination is such a gift to you, to our family, and to our world.  I believe you will do great things with the zany thoughts that roll around your brain.  Find what you are passionate about and follow that with your heart, mind and soul.  You are incredibly gifted with an infectious personality and smile to match.  God has some wonderful things in store for you!

Mitch ~

My last born, my forever-baby, my boy of great joy and laughter.  When you were only 3 months old and I became very sick, you became my reason to live, my reason to be, my reason to get out of bed every morning when I really didn't feel like it.  Because you were there, needing me, smiling at me, grabbing my nose with your wee, chubby baby hand, I knew that I had to get better.  And not only for you, but for your brothers as well.  Hardly a day goes by that I don't thank God for giving me you to pull me through.  When I look at you, I see a masterpiece.  You love so deeply, and you are always striving to do your best and be your best in all you do.  Your creative energy will take you many places in this world.  Go with God in all you do, knowing that you will never walk this world alone.

When people find out I have 4 boys (and no girls), the words "wow", "busy", "how do you do it", "crazy", "I'm sorry", and "trying for a girl?" often escape their lips.  But really, I wouldn't want it any other way.  I love them beyond belief.  And I know that I am blessed beyond belief because I have the privilege of being their Mom.