Loss and Life

Eleven years ago today, and it still feels like yesterday.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch.

Time passes and they say time heals. And it does. Honestly, it does.

But time also holds. It holds memories and treasures and challenges and growth and people and places and events - all significant to the passing of time and the marking of wonders and wisdom. You experience loss, and time continues to pass. Oddly enough, life goes on - around you, in you, through you, in spite of you really. And the Giver and Holder of time, life and love moves with you, walks with you, works through you, in spite of you...really.

Eleven years ago today, I held our baby. After having delivered him at home, alone, in my bathroom, I cupped him tenderly in my hands and watched his little heart stop beating. There was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do, but sit and cry and watch and wonder. I watched as our dreams for his life and our life as a family vanquished. This was not the way we planned it. This was not what our mutual marital heart hoped for. And yet this was our reality. A life that was created and desired and longed for in love, was being carried to the Giver and Holder of time and life and love, and I couldn't take him back. No matter how hard I tried or wanted to, my baby was gone. A life lived, loved and gone. I held him, told him is Mommy loves him, and watched him go from this life in my small Mississauga bathroom to be with his Maker and Creator.

This was not my first baby loss, but it was the only one I physically held in my hands. Miscarriages happen to too many people too often, and part of the searing pain is the loneliness in it all. As much as you seek to make it a private, personal time, there is also that cavernous grief that echoes of loneliness and hurt and sadness and disappointment. The early loss of a baby is different because too much of society tells us that it isn't really a loss, you didn't really have time to love that baby, you didn't even know your baby. Those of us who have walked this road know different. Love and grief go hand in hand. It is more than OK to love, and it is more than OK to grieve.

Time passes and all the memories and moments begin to flow together. They are treasures and challenges that hold us and shape us, they change us and make us better people if we let them. When faced with challenges and heartache and questions, I always pray that God uses it to change me because I don't ever want to go through such pain and not come out different on the other side.

If I don't allow God to use this pain in my life, then it is pointless. 

If I don't let God take the time to use this to change me, make me different, reshape my heart and life and hope, then it is worthless. 

All it is then, is pain. Empty, hopeless pain. 

God wants so much more for you, for me. Pain in our world is a result of sin, of the infiltration of things that God did not intend for His creation. Yet it exists. But His promise is that He will make all things new, that what was intended for evil, He will make right and good and whole again. That is His promise to us. That is His gift of time and life and love to us.

Time. Yes, time heals. But it is the Giver and Holder of time that really heals. Time is a gift He gives us to treasure and challenge and change. Time is the space that holds all things precious and painful. Time is filled with memories and moments and stories that long to be told and used.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch. 

His Presence is still close enough to touch. Through loss and through life, His Presence is close enough to touch.

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If you know our story, you know that Andrew and I have been through many challenges that have brought us face to face with Jesus. This is just one of them. God is the Giver and Holder and Healer of time and life and memories and moments that make us more like Jesus. And really, it is His Presence that allows time to heal us. Healing, physical and emotional, is a journey that takes time. Give it time. Give God the time to work wonders in your life. Time is a gift. Accept it and let it heal you,