On Turning 50 and Other Rambling Thoughts

Here it is, the final day of February. I had set a goal for myself that I would write one blog post a month, and I almost missed the mark on the very second month of the year! I am happy to be getting one in here, just under the wire. Phew...

In January, I began using The Next Right Thing Guided Journal by Emily P. Freeman..​ 

Side note: not only had I bought myself a copy, but I was also given a copy by some friends who know me well...this I recorded as an “arrow” to keep journaling, keep figuring out what my next right thing is. I am not paid for this, but you too, should get a copy

Each month begins with a space for a quote. As January came to a close and I was prepping for February, I chose a quote from Jennie Allen’s ​Get Out of Your Head​ bible study book:

“God is not only concerned with the posture of our hearts but also the people on each of our arms. In terms of fulfilling our mission in life we can’t do anything worthwhile alone.” (85)

With this quote as my focus for the month, I have been reflecting on community. As I have looked back over the month, I have seen the theme of people - friends & family - all gathered around me at different times and for different purposes. And it was beautiful. Beautiful to see God at work. Beautiful to see how others allowed God to use them. Beautiful to see how my life intersected the lives of those I live with and work with and do life in general with. God brought so much good out of each time my life came into contact with another. Whether I was giving or receiving, a holy exchange was made. Grace was extended and received, forgiveness was offered and accepted, love was poured out and absorbed.

Sometimes I miss these moments even though I am right in them. Are you like me, often realizing a little too late that there is a holy exchange happening even though you are right in the middle of it? I actually probably miss these moments ​because​ I’m right in the middle of them. I don’t recognize the way God’s hand is moving, the way he is prompting, the way he is guiding because I am caught up in the swirl of the spiral of life that is spinning around me. But my desire is to be more present and aware. I want to recognize and acknowledge all that is happening ​in the moment​. Reflecting back has allowed me to trace the hand of God, and to see him at work. Reflecting back has helped me be more aware in the present.

Let me backup another month. January 2021. The month that held my 50th birthday.

If there is ever cause for reflection, it is the time surrounding a significant birthday. To be honest, turning 50 was something I had been anticipating for a very long time. To me, turning 50 would symbolize an arrival at something; what specifically that was, I’m really not sure. It was more of an anticipation of becoming, an expectation of what or who I would be, as well as an excitement for all that lies ahead. It truly was a moment in life that I looked forward to celebrating. (As for that particular celebration, my boys outdid themselves! They went over the top in preparation and presentation. Oh the love!)

As part of my birthday events, I was blessed to listen to words sent to me by friends from long ago and friends from my right-now world. Throughout this, I made a conscious effort to be present in the moment and not only hear the words, but to take them in. I chose to receive the words that were being said and to absorb them into my very soul, because I knew that the words came not only from my dear friends, but these words were also truth spoken by Jesus. I often have the tendency to brush off the words of others, but this time, in humility and grace, I chose to accept them. This was not easy for me, but the truth is - and this is my point - that these words were actually a reflection of who God is and who God has created me to be. Each word was an affirmation of the faithfulness of God in my life. Each word was not so much about me as it was a spotlight on Jesus. These words were a reflection of who God had been, who he is, and who he will continue to be in my life.

Being reminded of these things, of the God-things from our past - this is a good thing. Reflection brings affirmation. Reflection brings perspective. Reflection brings truth. It is good to reflect and to remember what God has done, to affirm how he has used us, and to celebrate how he has worked deep within us to change us.

Remembering is to acknowledge the faithfulness of God. Through sickness and health. Through chaos and peace. Through doubt and certainty. Through death and life. Through hard and holy. There has been a lot of all of these things in the last 50 years, and I anticipate there will be more to come in the next 50. But the good news that I have been reminded of over this significant celebration and the days that have followed it, is that I am not alone in any of it. There are people that God has placed around me for each and every part of the journey.

God has not left me alone. Ever.

Through sickness and health. Through chaos and peace. Through doubt and certainty. Through death and life. Through hard and holy. God gave me people. God provided a community of men and women, family and friends, soul mates and classmates, co workers and co labourers to journey together with through the daily grind of life.

And I am thankful for each one.

Years ago when I began writing this blog, I called it “Blessed Beyond Belief” for a reason. That reason was simple: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been - and will continue to be - blessed beyond belief in this life. I do not deserve it - the people, the grace, the blessings that come regardless of my own selfish and determined actions. Yet God continues to provide. God continues to protect, redeem, restore, and forgive because God also promises, and I have lived 50 years that shine a light on the truth of those promises.

And that is why I have been blessed beyond belief for the last 50 years. If you are reading this and have made it to the very end, thank you. Thank you for being one of the many people that God has blessed me with in this life. Whether I have known you for years or for days, thank you for blessing me with your presence, with your words, and with your friendship.

You are just another reason that I am truly blessed beyond belief.

Celebrating together with a family hockey game on our rink.

Road Trippin'

I just finished up 10 days of driving and living within the confines of my minivan with my 4 boys + husband. Big, scruffy, hungry boys. Boys who I’m sure are messier and dirtier and stinkier than I raised them to be. What ever happened? Clothes and underwear and toothpaste and headphones and books and games and hats and wrappers and cups and Kleenexes everywhere. Everywhere. Our van smells like Subway meets Chipotle + 8 stinky feet. We shared the seats in the van for 50 hours, shared one hotel room for too many days, shared the ransacked food in the cooler jammed between the back seats. 

But worst of all, we shared the same toilet. If ever I was to wonder where my parenting went bad, I need only to look at the shared toilet. Were they raised in a barn? Hit the water, not the seat my boys! In fact, just because you CAN stand up to pee doesn't mean you SHOULD. Have a seat. On the throne. It's better for all of us. 

And best of all, we shared the same moments. These moments created memories that span the miles of 7 states and 1 province, and back again. These moments created a lot of laughter, a little frustration, and sporadic times of quiet. As I write this we are making our way across Michigan, heading home, and my boys are discussing the pros and cons of various movies present and past, and of course, talking about all the restaurants we DIDN’T eat at (cue second mortgage here). 

I learned some things about my boys...

One of them actually does NOT like his name. (What???? Bite tongue and swallow hard and...apologize? Nope. Smile knowing deep down that it really isn't that bad).

One of them would eat at Pizza Ranch every day if he could, although on any other given day he doesn't like cheese. (Pizza Ranch, we learned, is a pizza buffet. Great for most teenaged boys. Tuck that piece of advice away).

One of them stills loves to play Pokemon on his DS. (Hours of silent entertainment in the back).

One of them said out of the blue, "I think it would have been awkward to have 3 boys and 1 girl", sparking a quick reply of another: "I think she would have been a “homie”. She would have been just like us." ("Awkward"?? That's an interesting word choice...")

But there is something about family, something about being together even after being apart. There is something about growing up together that binds us together, that anchors us, that secures us and protects us. It provides room for the tension of love and laughter alongside frustration and disappointment. It creates space for honesty and compassion. It allows for uniqueness and creativity, for truth and character, for freedom and grace. Most of all, it paves the way so there is always a way back.

And that something is actually someone: Jesus.  Keep Jesus in your family. 

Even when it's a hard conversation - have it. 

Even if it's an awkward conversation - have it. 

Family is worth it. Your family is worth it. Your boys are worth it.

Our 10 day road trip was probably the last of it's kind for our family. Which is why we did it. Because we love our boys and value our time together and know that the sacrifices of time and energy (and money...) are worth it even if the toilet is disgusting and I can't possibly eat one more slice of pizza.

All in all, we did alright. 

Especially for being a family that hasn't even been in the same country let alone the same minivan for most of the past year. This is how I know God is real. Lord have mercy, we all survived.

But we not only survived. I believe we all came out a little stronger.

Yup - that's a little Poker game going' on.

Priority Post

A couple of weekends ago, I attended the Priscilla Shirer Live event in Mississauga. Great teaching, fabulous worship, and a whole lot of fun spent with women I love.

Throughout Priscilla's exposition on Mark 1, she landed on a 'Supernatural Priority' point. During that portion, Priscilla (yes, we are on a first name basis) shared with us a story that Jill Briscoe had shared with her a number of years ago. It was about balancing life and priorities. I will summarize it here quickly from my notes:

• suppose you have 10 clear plastic boxes sitting in front of you
• each box represents a different responsibility, job, relationship, that you have
• most people think that to balance all of these - to have a balanced life with everything that needs to get done, the things that fill our lives - that the boxes should each have the same amount in them -- life is balanced if all of these boxes have an equal amount put into them
• that is pretty near impossible! (my thought)
• I need to ask God which boxes are to be my priority IN THIS SEASON; which 2 or 3 boxes can I focus on and do well to fill IN THIS SEASON…it doesn’t mean forever, it doesn’t mean not ever, but for RIGHT NOW
• and the key is??? to prioritize time with God to determine which boxes are the important ones, and then LET THE OTHER BOXES BE DEPLETED…for this season (WOW. Depleted??)
• “Having the courage to say No and let them be depleted for this season leaves margin which makes room for a wonderful YES to the boxes that God has really called you to” - also room for crises and the unexpected
• “There are great Yeses when we have the courage to say No”.

This can be so hard - to let the things we thought were important fall away because AT THIS TIME they just aren't. They will be again, no doubt, especially if they are gifts and talents and passions that God has given you. 

You gotta know and believe that God will bring those back to the forefront IN THEIR SEASON - 

and it will be great when that happens!

The journal prompt question on the page of my notetaking booklet was actually “How is God calling you right now?”. I believe that it was not random that I ended up writing this point on this page. It prompted me to think about all the things that fill my life, the responsibilities and people that fill my days. Do I have my priorities straight, have I been focusing on the right things, the God directed things? It’s tough, it really is. 

One thing that I have learned to do is to ask God to not only help me prioritize what I should be doing, but to lessen the passion, the desire, for the things that, in my humanness, I think are important, but are not to be my “box of choice” IN THIS SEASON.

• Pray that God would lessen the desires that are from Him but are not for now, and ask Him to remove the selfish, human desires that are totally just from me and are really, for never.

Some of you may know that I like to write (because you are reading this...thank you!). I have this small blog where I infrequently write about things of life and ministry and family. I believe that God has gifted me to write and I enjoy doing it. I enjoy being in ministry with my husband and family and I have SO MANY things that I’d love to see happen, to dive in to, to dig deeper into. I love doing these things! **They even bring me life and enjoyment!** But I know, when I look at my boxes God has placed in front of me, that writing and serving as my heart desires is not for right now. 

Right now, IN THIS SEASON, I know that God is calling me to teach and to parent and to serve in small ways because this is what my family needs. It’s even what I have decided I must need as it must be preparing me for the future. I know (at least I really, really hope) that God will give me time and opportunity to write and minister in a wider fashion at some point, but I have found peace in knowing that if I’m going to do a good job at the boxes God has prioritized in front of me right now, then I have to let those other boxes be depleted...for now. 

I am trusting that my courageous NO has opened up some wonderful YESES.

Does that take some adjusting? Sure it does. Does it mean that I struggle with my purpose and my place in our church? You bet. Does it mean that my work and my family are without problems? Absolutely not.  Does it mean that I don't fight jealousy when I see others spending time doing the things that I’d like to be doing? Nope, I have to constantly repent of that one. 

There are struggles, challenges and joys within each of these boxes, and I have to repeatedly ask for wisdom and discernment along the way.  But because I am focusing on a few, I have the energy to give to them from my best and not from my own depleted soul. I am loving where God has me, and I am trusting that the God-given boxes that are for another season will be waiting for me. I have to believe that they are even being prepared for me, and I for them.

It takes trust to let go of the things we desire; I don't really want to let these things go, but I'd certainly like to give them to God. He is in charge of each of those boxes. I also need to trust Him with each of the God-given desires and passion that are important and good but not for right now. I know that when the time is right, the opportunities will return, and God will open up my time and provide me with a renewed passion and desire to see these things flourish.

There is both challenge and struggle, but also profound joy and abundant grace when we can find THIS sort of balance...the balance of the God directed life, the balance of the God prioritized life.

May all of this be yours in Christ Jesus.

Quick Sips of Silence

This morning my house is silent. "Enjoy the quiet this morning," my husband says as he walks out to his breakfast meeting, "it might be the last for a while".

Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy the silence.

I love having a quiet house to myself, but this summer that has evaded me. We have had kids going here and there, travelling the province and the world. We have had friends moving out and friends moving in. We have had special family to visit, travel visas to attain, outside doors to paint, beautiful weddings to enjoy, fantastic conferences to attend, encouraging gatherings to meet at, plenty of parties to throw. I refuse to call my summer busy because that seems too negative. My summer has been full...gloriously full.

But my summer has been anything but silent.
However, my summer has been anything but devoid of God.

I sat here this morning wondering about the silence that now shrouds me. What am I to do with this silence? What do I think? Should I do something in this silence? I still have a couple of rooms to clean, tidy and organize. I could start to organize and pull out work for my students who I will see in just over one week. I could start to paint the garage doors that have been half started for weeks. I could watch TV. I could read a book. I could text an encouraging verse to a friend. I could fill it a thousand different ways. What do I do with this silence? (Apparently, I write a blog post...)

And I wonder if I am afraid of silence because it's been a while. Am I afraid of what I might think, of what I might feel, or maybe even of what God might say to me? I let my mind wander back over my summer, over the two months we have each year that are laden with expectation and anticipation of anything but routine and school. I know that there have been snippets of time where I was able to drink deep of the loud silent presence of God. I also know that there were times when I was too busy, too caught up in all that was around me, to remember that God was there, breathing life and being into my soul. I know that there were times when Truth and Grace and Love pervaded the very air around me. I know that even in the fullness of my summer, I also experienced the fullness of my God because this past summer, they were one in the same. I experienced the very full presence of God in my very full, beautiful summer.

And I loved every minute of it.

This is new for me. Usually I fight for some silent space, some solitude where I can breathe deep and relax into voice of God. As "mostly" an introvert, I like and need some of that space, I absolutely do. And I can come close to crashing if I don't get it. But this summer God has allowed me to take quick sips of His silence because that is what life allowed me to do. Do I love and long to drink deep? Absolutely. Do I think that is important and vital to a deepening relationship? You bet. But I also know that as life changes and challenges our time and energy and focus, God provides all we need to make it through..to survive it.

But not just survive it...He gives us what we need to thrive in it.

We just gotta let Him. 

We just gotta accept it from Him. 

Because in it He has something new to teach us about about Himself, about ourselves, and there is a deep richness in that acceptance which will settle our souls and humble our hearts.

Silence is golden. I still believe that. But I am thankful that this summer my prayers have been fuelled by a passionate fire for His truth in the midst of the fullness of life. There is a new desire for Christ in my everyday, and this summer of fullness has taught me to believe that and live in that.

Tomorrow two of my kids come home from camp, Monday I begin to set up my classroom, next Saturday the other two return from camp, and then Tuesday school starts. And the two months we have each year that are laden with expectation and anticipation of anything but routine and school come to an end.

So if you are a looker and lover of solitude like I am, you know that any moments you get are a gift. So accept that gift from a God who knows you more and loves you deeper than anyone possibly could.

And maybe, just maybe, silence can actually come in the chaos. Drink deep of the fullness of silence amidst the fullness of life in the moments God gifts you, whether big or small.

God, grant me quick sips of your grace and truth. Help me to thrive, not just survive in the space you have placed me, silent or not.

Loss and Life

Eleven years ago today, and it still feels like yesterday.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch.

Time passes and they say time heals. And it does. Honestly, it does.

But time also holds. It holds memories and treasures and challenges and growth and people and places and events - all significant to the passing of time and the marking of wonders and wisdom. You experience loss, and time continues to pass. Oddly enough, life goes on - around you, in you, through you, in spite of you really. And the Giver and Holder of time, life and love moves with you, walks with you, works through you, in spite of you...really.

Eleven years ago today, I held our baby. After having delivered him at home, alone, in my bathroom, I cupped him tenderly in my hands and watched his little heart stop beating. There was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do, but sit and cry and watch and wonder. I watched as our dreams for his life and our life as a family vanquished. This was not the way we planned it. This was not what our mutual marital heart hoped for. And yet this was our reality. A life that was created and desired and longed for in love, was being carried to the Giver and Holder of time and life and love, and I couldn't take him back. No matter how hard I tried or wanted to, my baby was gone. A life lived, loved and gone. I held him, told him is Mommy loves him, and watched him go from this life in my small Mississauga bathroom to be with his Maker and Creator.

This was not my first baby loss, but it was the only one I physically held in my hands. Miscarriages happen to too many people too often, and part of the searing pain is the loneliness in it all. As much as you seek to make it a private, personal time, there is also that cavernous grief that echoes of loneliness and hurt and sadness and disappointment. The early loss of a baby is different because too much of society tells us that it isn't really a loss, you didn't really have time to love that baby, you didn't even know your baby. Those of us who have walked this road know different. Love and grief go hand in hand. It is more than OK to love, and it is more than OK to grieve.

Time passes and all the memories and moments begin to flow together. They are treasures and challenges that hold us and shape us, they change us and make us better people if we let them. When faced with challenges and heartache and questions, I always pray that God uses it to change me because I don't ever want to go through such pain and not come out different on the other side.

If I don't allow God to use this pain in my life, then it is pointless. 

If I don't let God take the time to use this to change me, make me different, reshape my heart and life and hope, then it is worthless. 

All it is then, is pain. Empty, hopeless pain. 

God wants so much more for you, for me. Pain in our world is a result of sin, of the infiltration of things that God did not intend for His creation. Yet it exists. But His promise is that He will make all things new, that what was intended for evil, He will make right and good and whole again. That is His promise to us. That is His gift of time and life and love to us.

Time. Yes, time heals. But it is the Giver and Holder of time that really heals. Time is a gift He gives us to treasure and challenge and change. Time is the space that holds all things precious and painful. Time is filled with memories and moments and stories that long to be told and used.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch. 

His Presence is still close enough to touch. Through loss and through life, His Presence is close enough to touch.

*****************************************

If you know our story, you know that Andrew and I have been through many challenges that have brought us face to face with Jesus. This is just one of them. God is the Giver and Holder and Healer of time and life and memories and moments that make us more like Jesus. And really, it is His Presence that allows time to heal us. Healing, physical and emotional, is a journey that takes time. Give it time. Give God the time to work wonders in your life. Time is a gift. Accept it and let it heal you,

Raw

So, when emotions are raw, you feel deeply. Peeling back the protective layers of pride and expectations, you become vulnerable, laying it all out there.

Every now and then I feel raw.  But I have needed to feel raw. I have needed to let myself feel what needed to be felt. As the days have moved along, there have been some great moments and some tough moments. As I have reflected on the raw emotions of these days, I have realized a couple of things.

I feel a bit like Jekyll and Hyde.  Some days I am rejoicing with my kids, other days I am crying with them.  Some days I am encouraging them and proud of the steps they have taken, other days I am frustrated that they aren't trying harder or more being committed.  I so desperately want them to make the jump from Mississauga to Orangeville, to find home here in our new community.  I know there is so much that is good about our new adventure. Good for our family, good for our new community, good for each one of us. I love our new place - our new home, our new church, even our new Walmart! :)  We truly could have the best of both worlds - a wonderful group of friends we have moved away from but have not left behind, while also making new friends and tackling new challenges and continuing to make life great.

But I have to let them do it in their own time and in their own way.

     Transitioning is a process and it requires courage and grace, 
                                                                                     strength and compassion,            
                                                                                               determination and perseverance. 
All are necessary in life; good things to learn; great things to become awesome at. My boys are becoming awesome at these things.  I see them change and try and dig deeper and learn to be more than they were, more than they could have been had we stayed put. And for that I am thankful, even if they don't see it that way.

There is grief in the leaving, but there is also joy in the journey.  We are all becoming people we weren't before, these thing are stretching us and changing us, bringing us to a point of dependency on God for strength, courage, and faith.  Faith to believe that what we have done is right - for all of us.  There is great comfort in knowing that
                       "suffering produces perseverance; 
                         perseverance, character; 
                         and character, hope. 
                        And hope does not disappoint".  
How awesome is that!  Hope does not disappoint!!  

The Adventure of moving has worn off.  Nine months in and what was an exciting and new adventure for our family has become a deep seated reality.  This is life - this is our new life. A life we have been called to, a life full of new people, places, experiences and promise. There have been countless affirmations that this new life is the life we are supposed to be living, and we continue to live those out.

God has been gracious with his surprises!! His mercies continue to be new each morning.  We search and we strive to figure out what it is He has called us to.  God is good, and I am...

Blessed Beyond Belief.

If These Walls Could Speak

"Hey Friend! Let's just --- Exhale. Let your shoulders drop and feel everything slow..." 
(Ann Voskamp, this morning.  Thank you!).

Fresh words, feeding words for a tired body and soul.  More than anything else this, this is what I needed to do this morning.  More than a visit to the gym (which is not a bad idea!), more than downing that extra cup of coffee (also, not necessarily a bad idea!), I needed to slow down...relax...breathe in the blessings that are today.

The boxes are mostly packed...mostly.  Where clothes used to sit in drawers, they are now empty.  Where toys used to sit on shelves, they are no longer.  Where medicine used to wait to heal, it is an bare cupboard.  Where hockey equipment used to gather, there is an open space.  Where boys' beds use to sit, waiting for sweet heads to fall asleep from the joys and burdens of the day, those beds now lie stacked in pieces against walls.  The same walls where pictures used to hang, telling of family and love and life and reminders of blessings and loved ones here and gone and gone around the world.  Walls that are now blank except for tiny holes left from hooks, reminders of where memories once hung.

Walls that, if they could speak, would tell many secrets of laughter and tears and struggles and victories. 

Walls that have been our house - our home - for many years.  Walls that saw children born, fevers broken, lessons learned, bodies healed, championships won, friends made, meals enjoyed, pets loved, tears wiped, hearts comforted, laughter heard, prayers answered, patience groomed.  Walls that will forever be woven into the fabric of our family.  I am reminded of a song that Amy Grant recorded a number of years ago (and I remember it with fondness because it was the one song that I (thought I) could play on the piano and sing to at the same time...my apologies to my family for that!!).  The lyrics talk about all that walls are witness to and they speak to us a great reminder of all that a family home is.   If These Wall Could Speak...

If these old walls
If these old walls could speak
Of things that they remembered well
Stories and faces dearly held
A couple in love
Livin' week to week
Rooms full of laughter
If these walls could speak

If these halls
If hallowed halls could talk
These would have a tale to tell
Of sun going down and dinner bell
Of children playing at hide and seek
From floor to rafter
If these halls could speak


See, as I write this, my family is preparing for a major transition. In four short days our lives will all change.  My pastor husband of almost 19 years has been called to leave the place our family has called home for 18 years, to begin a new ministry, in a new church, in a new city.  Among the multitude of changes that will occur, we have also had to purchase a new house.  A new set of walls.  A new framework for family life, love and ministry.   A new place to make memories in.  We have purchased a new home.

As poignant as that is, I need to remind my heart that these walls, these houses, our home (old and new)...it is but a temporary home for us.  Sure it is meaningful, it is well loved, it is a piece of what shapes us into who we are because it is the place where lives, big and small, are formed and made and have grown up.  But they are just walls.  Walls made of plaster and wood and nails and painted and repainted to our liking.  Our real home, our permanent forever home, is being prepared for us, is waiting for us and it has been built by One who loves us more than we can imagine, One who calls us his child, One who calls us...home.  

And, oh, if only those walls could speak.