On Turning 50 and Other Rambling Thoughts

Here it is, the final day of February. I had set a goal for myself that I would write one blog post a month, and I almost missed the mark on the very second month of the year! I am happy to be getting one in here, just under the wire. Phew...

In January, I began using The Next Right Thing Guided Journal by Emily P. Freeman..​ 

Side note: not only had I bought myself a copy, but I was also given a copy by some friends who know me well...this I recorded as an “arrow” to keep journaling, keep figuring out what my next right thing is. I am not paid for this, but you too, should get a copy

Each month begins with a space for a quote. As January came to a close and I was prepping for February, I chose a quote from Jennie Allen’s ​Get Out of Your Head​ bible study book:

“God is not only concerned with the posture of our hearts but also the people on each of our arms. In terms of fulfilling our mission in life we can’t do anything worthwhile alone.” (85)

With this quote as my focus for the month, I have been reflecting on community. As I have looked back over the month, I have seen the theme of people - friends & family - all gathered around me at different times and for different purposes. And it was beautiful. Beautiful to see God at work. Beautiful to see how others allowed God to use them. Beautiful to see how my life intersected the lives of those I live with and work with and do life in general with. God brought so much good out of each time my life came into contact with another. Whether I was giving or receiving, a holy exchange was made. Grace was extended and received, forgiveness was offered and accepted, love was poured out and absorbed.

Sometimes I miss these moments even though I am right in them. Are you like me, often realizing a little too late that there is a holy exchange happening even though you are right in the middle of it? I actually probably miss these moments ​because​ I’m right in the middle of them. I don’t recognize the way God’s hand is moving, the way he is prompting, the way he is guiding because I am caught up in the swirl of the spiral of life that is spinning around me. But my desire is to be more present and aware. I want to recognize and acknowledge all that is happening ​in the moment​. Reflecting back has allowed me to trace the hand of God, and to see him at work. Reflecting back has helped me be more aware in the present.

Let me backup another month. January 2021. The month that held my 50th birthday.

If there is ever cause for reflection, it is the time surrounding a significant birthday. To be honest, turning 50 was something I had been anticipating for a very long time. To me, turning 50 would symbolize an arrival at something; what specifically that was, I’m really not sure. It was more of an anticipation of becoming, an expectation of what or who I would be, as well as an excitement for all that lies ahead. It truly was a moment in life that I looked forward to celebrating. (As for that particular celebration, my boys outdid themselves! They went over the top in preparation and presentation. Oh the love!)

As part of my birthday events, I was blessed to listen to words sent to me by friends from long ago and friends from my right-now world. Throughout this, I made a conscious effort to be present in the moment and not only hear the words, but to take them in. I chose to receive the words that were being said and to absorb them into my very soul, because I knew that the words came not only from my dear friends, but these words were also truth spoken by Jesus. I often have the tendency to brush off the words of others, but this time, in humility and grace, I chose to accept them. This was not easy for me, but the truth is - and this is my point - that these words were actually a reflection of who God is and who God has created me to be. Each word was an affirmation of the faithfulness of God in my life. Each word was not so much about me as it was a spotlight on Jesus. These words were a reflection of who God had been, who he is, and who he will continue to be in my life.

Being reminded of these things, of the God-things from our past - this is a good thing. Reflection brings affirmation. Reflection brings perspective. Reflection brings truth. It is good to reflect and to remember what God has done, to affirm how he has used us, and to celebrate how he has worked deep within us to change us.

Remembering is to acknowledge the faithfulness of God. Through sickness and health. Through chaos and peace. Through doubt and certainty. Through death and life. Through hard and holy. There has been a lot of all of these things in the last 50 years, and I anticipate there will be more to come in the next 50. But the good news that I have been reminded of over this significant celebration and the days that have followed it, is that I am not alone in any of it. There are people that God has placed around me for each and every part of the journey.

God has not left me alone. Ever.

Through sickness and health. Through chaos and peace. Through doubt and certainty. Through death and life. Through hard and holy. God gave me people. God provided a community of men and women, family and friends, soul mates and classmates, co workers and co labourers to journey together with through the daily grind of life.

And I am thankful for each one.

Years ago when I began writing this blog, I called it “Blessed Beyond Belief” for a reason. That reason was simple: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been - and will continue to be - blessed beyond belief in this life. I do not deserve it - the people, the grace, the blessings that come regardless of my own selfish and determined actions. Yet God continues to provide. God continues to protect, redeem, restore, and forgive because God also promises, and I have lived 50 years that shine a light on the truth of those promises.

And that is why I have been blessed beyond belief for the last 50 years. If you are reading this and have made it to the very end, thank you. Thank you for being one of the many people that God has blessed me with in this life. Whether I have known you for years or for days, thank you for blessing me with your presence, with your words, and with your friendship.

You are just another reason that I am truly blessed beyond belief.

Celebrating together with a family hockey game on our rink.

Gloves in the Snow

I created this quote a couple of days ago. It was to accompany a post that I had written which I hoped would be both funny and inspiring. But alas, I accidentally deleted the post and could not find it anywhere. And that is the funny thing about this quote, the quote that says, “This event will not dictate my day but my reaction to it might.” 

Haha. Isn’t that the truth. 

I remind myself that this event, the deleting of a post, will not dictate my day. But my reaction to it could.

In the post I wrote about choosing delight over frustration. See, I could not find my gloves and it was -14 degrees and snowy outside. But as I left for work, I found my gloves buried in the snow on the driveway beside my van. I turned my van on and the words of a song came from the radio: “It’s all gonna be ok”. I laugh right out loud.

I know it was just gloves in the snow. No big deal, I get that. But I thought how quickly my entire day could change if I let frustration and disappointment overtake me right then. After all, my only gloves were in the snow, frozen, trampled on by curious bunnies in the night. And it was freezing cold and I had yard duty and recess to be outside. All of these things were true. But instead, I laughed out loud. I chose delight in finding my gloves. I chose to delight in a God who reminded me through a random song on the radio that it’s all gonna be ok. Frozen gloves and all.

That was Thursday. And yesterday I needed to remind myself of this again. As I sat alone in my classroom and wrote report cards, pouring over successes and strengths and abilities of my students, I found myself getting frustrated.

I found myself doubting and questioning my ability to teach my students. I found myself doubting my ability to write, to share, to even have a story worth listening to. I found myself questioning my very calling and my desire to teach and to reach the hearts of anyone who will listen. I found myself doubting that my story existed, that it matters, that it is even worth telling. I doubted my motive, my reason, my message.

And this reaction...this frustration, doubt, and disappointment began to dictate my day. I found myself following a spiral that was getting tighter and faster, spinning away from all that held meaning and truth and goodness, all that is full of purpose.

I broke down and cried right there in my classroom. I questioned what I was even doing there and wondered how I was going to carry on come Monday, let alone the rest of the term.

By the time I got home I was a mess. I blubbered words that I couldn’t even believe I was saying. As I spewed it out at my patient husband, I knew that I had let my reaction dictate my day. The event didn’t have to do it, my reaction of frustration and disappointment became what derailed me and the rest of my day. I had lived out what I had said I would not do. 

I could have chosen truth but I heard lies. I could have chosen delight but I heard doubt. I could have chosen contentment but I heard disappointment.

What changed it? For one, I believe saying the words out loud and hearing them in my own voice helped them lose their power over my heart and head. Naming the whirlwind of emotions that enveloped my thoughts helped me realize what was a lie and what was truth. Giving words to it all brought it into the light, and the words I was saying surprised even myself. But putting them out there released the pressure in my head and left room for truth to breathe. And then my husband told me to go and be alone and rest if I needed to. Go and do whatever you need to do, whatever is helpful. So I did. I laid down. And I also asked Jesus to help decipher the emotion that tanked me.

I am choosing humility when I let you know that the root if it all, the very dark pit that I was stuck in, was jealousy. That emotion of chasing after something with even an ounce of selfish desire and the feeling of actually getting something you don’t really deserve. I so desperately don’t want that to happen. I do not want anything I do to be done in self ambition. But that is where I was headed yesterday in my thoughts. I was throwing a bit of a pity party in my brain because I thought God wasn’t going to give me what I wanted. Really. That is what I thought.

I know better. Seriously.

I know in my heart of hearts, in my deepest desires that I only want what God wants for me. I was a mess because I was thinking about it all backwards. I was thinking about what I might do to get to a place I thought I should be. I was a mess because I let selfishness, jealousy and disappointment with myself and God take a prominent place in my heart and mind. I was a mess because I thought I saw God giving to other people what I wanted for myself and I believed God was disappointed in me. I saw God giving other people the part in the play that I wanted. But I was believing the lie that God wasn’t giving it to me.

It was just that. A lie.

A lie that dictated my day in a way that almost derailed my calling, my gifting and my desires. Because indeed, as he always does, God was actually giving me what I need. He reminded me that his timing is perfect, his love is unconditional, and his grace is more than fair. 

Every single day we have choices to make, about what we wear, what we eat, and about what we think. Events of all sorts happen to us every single day and even though those events may not dictate how our day goes, our reaction to any of them can certainly do just that. 

If finding my gloves in the snow brought frustration, I would leave for work already feeling like I was running uphill.

If running out of milk in the morning is deflating, then carrying that for the rest of the day will wear you out and bring you down.

If getting every red light on your way to an appointment, making you late, invites anger, then you will arrive into that appointment feeling like things don't ever go your way.

If your child does not listen, your spouse does not follow through, or your friend does not come through. Whatever it may be that causes frustration, disappointment, discouragement, or discontentment, remember that how you choose to react in that moment could dictate how the rest of your day goes. 

Instead of anger, offer grace. Instead of jealousy, offer celebration. Instead of frustration, offer help. Instead of discouragement, offer delight. Every event gives us an opportunity to choose how the rest of our day is going to go. Choose wisely. Choose well. Choose truth.

"Set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Col 3:1,2)

"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." (Phil 4:8,9)