Putting words to anything has been difficult lately. There are so many words and emotions that flutter through my heart and soul these days. It seems that they can’t land in any one place, can’t settle, can’t be felt and expressed with the weight and importance that they hold. I am sure that I am not the only one.
As I would frequently try to grasp at the words or thoughts that fill the air around me, I find myself becoming frustrated with my inability to make sense of it all. That frustration led to what I can best describe as worry. Now I am not a worrier by nature; I tend to see and fight for the positive in most situations and I can usually tackle challenges with determination.
But I realized that this time it was different. This time I felt a little lost, a little undone, and more than a little at loss for words. It took me a while to realize - and admit! - that what I held in my heart was worry. This worry had crept in slowly, maybe beginning back when school was still in, I was still teaching in front of a physical classroom, and my own kids were busy at their various schools doing their various classes and fulfilling their various responsibilities in life, and my husband was busy at our physical church building, loving and serving and walking out every day ministry within that space.
On the Thursday before the “last day of school” in March, my 16 year old son said to me, “Within a matter of 12 hours, everything in my life besides family and faith has been taken away. No hockey, no March Break missions trip to the DR, to friends, no school. It feels weird. I wonder what is left in my life? Those things were everything. They were all I did. What do I do now?”, and with a perplexed look, he turned and walked away. I knew that I could have spoken words of truth and affirmation right then and there, but I also knew that he needed to process the loss and grief that he was rightfully feeling. Because I was beginning to feel it too. Everything had been taken away. So I let him walk away and I felt my heart begin to ache.
What was this worry that began to seep into my soul as Covid-19 began to seep into our country? I was pretty sure that I was not worried about getting sick, or catching this virus (and we have been following and abiding and believing in the “Stay Home” mantra), but I was beginning to worry because of the uncertainty. So much was changing so fast that I felt I couldn’t keep up.
My older two boys were home from university, then back to residence, then home again, then back, and then finally, home. Young adults moving back home after being at away at school can be challenging at the best of times, but under these circumstances it could be a disaster of epic proportion! Without much warning, they each left their friends, their routines, their communities, their supports behind. They too, experienced loss and grief as life changed quickly for them. In many ways, everything was taken away from them as well. TIme to process all of that and adjust back into family life was important. Unconditional love and grace and acceptance. And patience.
My younger two boys both play a lot of hockey. They eat, sleep, breathe, and play hockey. Now they could not play it, nor could they watch it. A love taken away. They were also both supposed to go away on youth missions trips with our church over March Break - one to the Dominican Republic and one to Windsor but both trips were cancelled. A love taken away. They were told to stay within the walls of their home, without their friends to hangout, laugh and play with. A love taken away. One had his drivers’ license road test cancelled. Hope taken away. This 16 year old who was born into the world during SARS and has major life events cancelled because of Covid-19. What does this mean for his life? How does this reality play into who he is and who he will become?
With so much being taken away, worry began to settle in. I did not invite it in, but I certainly let it in. I let it in almost without knowing it. It just started to creep into my thoughts and I let it stay there. As one postponed event piled on top of another cancellation and then another and another, I did not give myself time to think, process and accept the reality of life around me - the loss and the grief that goes along with it. I felt for my kids and for all they had to endure and adjust to. I felt for my husband and all that he was adjusting to as well. As mom and wife, I just rolled with the changes, and tucked my worry deep into my chest hardly even realizing it was there.
Until one day my chest told me it was there...literally. I woke up one morning with a heavy pain in my chest. I knew instinctively that this was a heart issue. Not a medical heart issue but an emotional and spiritual heart issue. I was holding tight to something that wasn’t mine to hold. I needed to let go of something, give it away, get rid of it.
And that thing, that painful heaviness in my chest, was worry.
I first had to admit that I was holding it and then I had to willingly relinquish that hold. During this process, I was able to take my worrisome thoughts, those things that I was holding on to, those ideas and thoughts that I knew deep down in my soul were not helpful to anyone, especially me and exchange them for wonder.
My heart went from worry to wonder.
I changed my worrying thoughts into questions about and for God. In doing so I shifted my perspective from worry to wonder. Instead of focusing on “What on earth is going on?”, I intentionally changed my thoughts to “What is God doing on His earth?” and “What is God doing in me?”
Worry for my kids changed to wonder about how God was going to use this situation in their lives in the future.
Worry for my husband changed to wonder about how God is changing our church for the better.
Worry for my job to wonder at how God will use these new online skills I am learning to benefit so many other people.
Worry for my ministry opportunities to wonder at the creativity of God to use me however he sees fit - and my willingness to participate in that as well.
I needed to refocus, reframe, and retrain my thought patterns.
The Bible tells us in Colossians 3:2 to “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things,” and in 2 Cor 4:18 we are reminded to “...fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” In other words, if we focus on the negativity that surrounds us, we lose sight on the beauty that awaits us. The beauty given to us in the everyday good gifts from a gracious and loving God who seeks to know us and be known by us.
If we fix our eyes on the worry we will lose sight of the wonder.
So how do we do this? How can we stay focused on the wonder and not the worry? I have a couple of suggestions for you.
1. Memorize and meditate on the verses I mentioned above. (Col 3:2 and 2 Cor 4:18)
2. Go on a Wonder Walk. Get out of your house (keeping appropriate distance of course), and wonder about God. Where is He? How is He showing Himself to you? What do you want to ask Him? If you are worried about something, say it out loud and then immediately ask God a question about it. He can take it. He is a big God.
3. Make a Worry to Wonder list. Get a sheet of paper or turn to a blank page in your journal, draw a line down the middle of it. Title one column “Worry” and the other “Wonder” and begin to list your worrying thoughts. Writing them out brings them from your heart into reality, and this is helpful. Spend some time on this. Ask God what you are holding on to and then ask Him about that. What can you wonder about the worry you are carrying?
4. Read a good book! Among many others on this topic, I would suggest:
- Get Out Of Your Head, by Jennie Allen (my most favourite read right now!)
- The Next Right Thing, by Emily P Freeman
- Sick of Me, by Whitney Capps
- check out the podcast offered by this authors as well!
5. Make time to listen. Listen to the wonder of God all around you - in your home, in your family, in your watching, in your thoughts. And thank Him. Thank God for each one.
If you are holding worrying thoughts in your heart, chances are you didn’t invite them in. Identify them. Say them outloud. Write them down. Then replace those thoughts with thoughtful questions about God and about yourself. Enjoy the wonder of God and the fullness of life He has to offer you!
Fix your eyes, change your thoughts and watch your heart go from worry to wonder.
