Calling My Heart Back

This picture has got me all UNDONE.

                                     c. Hallmark Channel, "When Calls the Heart", Season 5, Ep 10, 2018

Although a Janette Oke fan from many many years ago, I recently, and quite accidentally, started watching "When Calls The Heart" on Netflix. However, it quickly turned from being a one episode accident to a full fledged binge watch. I cleared 6 seasons in an unspecified number of days, thanks to Netflix and CBC Gem app, and now my heart will never be the same - mostly because I weathered the Jack and Elizabeth courtship, engagement, deployment, wedding, deployment, and death in a few short days.

Oh. My. Heart.

But this picture.

This is Elizabeth sitting on the property of her beloved Jack where their hopes were to build a home, a family, and a life together. She is reading a letter Jack wrote to her which she was only to receive if he ever didn't come home from his "Mountie Business". This letter is filled with all things romantic and sad and hard and hopeful, as it should be, and clearly, he didn't come home. She is gently and lovingly touching "JT + ET" etched inside a heart on the log. Cue full on cry. Thank you Hallmark Channel.

My heart hurts when I see this picture. I relive the sorrow and sadness so beautifully expressed by the actress (Erin Krakow). I have never cried over a show/movie/story line like I did over this one. Her pain is real and deep and devastating as her hopes for a future with Jack are shattered by the heroic death of her Mountie husband. I have not been able to shake this scene and the emotion of it, which is what a good story is meant to do. But my feeling into her pain was seeming a bit much, it was seeming a little weird if truth be told...maybe even silly. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't process this correctly, with a mature, "It's just a TV show. Those characters aren't real," mindset. Why was it sticking to me so, and causing such a physical ache within me that seemed unshakeable?

Because my pain wasn't really about Elizabeth and her life and Jack's death and the TV show. The depth of my pain was about me and my life. It was about the fact that I have been numb and without feeling for weeks now. It's about the fact that I have been busy and going through the motions and getting the next things done - on so many levels. It's about the fact that I haven't been feeling my own feelings or the feelings of God for me. I haven't let anything out and I haven't let anything in.

This picture, and the storyline preceding it, changed all that - eventually. It took the fierce grief of a well acted story, and a little bit of time, but the flood gates of my heart opened and I let it all out. A good ugly cry can be a good healing thing. I felt the gentle nudge of Jesus to embrace this pain that I was feeling, the emotion that didn't really seem to make sense yet was directing and shaping my current thoughts. So I embraced it...hard. I let it all go.

Then I let Him all in.

And I felt. I actually felt something. I felt something deep beyond the surface of the must do's of life. I felt beyond the next thing directly in front of me. I let myself sit in the depth of this pain because it was healing to my soul. Sadness can be hard and scary, but today it was healing and freeing. It brought me back to myself and closer to the person that God has created me to be.

I felt His smile - not at me but for me.

I felt His pleasure in me - for fully embracing the emotional being he has created me to be. God has created me to feel into the pain of others (real or on screen apparently!) and I have not been operating in that presence lately. I have not been letting that very real piece of me have a voice into my very own life.

We are all on a journey - sometimes darkness, sadness, discouragement, even loss, will be part of that journey. Allowing these emotions to come in will help us become people who can also better celebrate, encourage, laugh and live along the journey. Life takes feeling both. So I am being gentle with myself because I know it's a like a tightrope that I can quickly fall off of if I rush through this. But I am choosing to walk the rope, one step at a time. I am choosing to be true to God and who he has created me to be.

Who knew that "When Calls The Heart" would call my heart back? I am now a converted #heartie, although, admittedly a little late to the game (this story is from Season 5 in 2018). I am still recovering from my binge watching run through Hope Valley and its people, but am also eagerly anticipating the rest of the story - for them and for me.

Wrestle & Surrender

My heart and my will have had a battle recently. This battle has been the essence of the wrestling match that I have had with my writing. For a long time I have wanted to write a book and I believed that The Book was to be The Purpose, as well as The End Goal, of my writing. But I have come to realize - and accept - that this is not the case. I have surrendered what I thought was my desire in life and the underlying drive for all my professional and ministry decisions. 

This wrestle and surrender has birthed a great freedom and a renewed confidence to embark on the steps of the journey. 

I so often forget that the steps are 

not only the way to the goal, 

but they are the only way to that goal. 

Few people in life jump from the bottom of the valley to the top of the mountain without actually climbing the rock face, finding the proper grip spot, holding on tight, and swinging their body into a new position, ready to tackle the next hold. Few people don’t have to do the hard work of doing the actual work before they reach they top. And few people don’t also slide backwards down the mountain side a few times while making their climb, relying fully on the safety rope to grab them tight and prevent them from falling.

This is where I am at. I have climbed. I have worked. I have slid. I have changed my course and climbed again. I have a renewed purpose and passion for my writing. What you will read about is real life, real things, and a real God.

While I desire with a new passion to live with eternity in my heart, I do not want to miss out on the opportunities that God is giving me right now to actually live out that truth. Yes, I want eternity to be what draws me and motivates me, but I also want my everyday life to reflect that. I want my everyday life and decisions and emotions to mirror the heart and desire and purposes of God. I want my every day life to be more about Him and less about me. 

..

It’s about being obedient in the here and now.

..

It’s about loving God, obeying Him, and remaining with Him.

..

And you know what else? It’s about your life too. It’s about making the most of this life in the time we’ve been given. 

This is what I want for you...that you would use what God has given you to make the most of the days He has given you. 

I want to see you live life like it actually counts for something more. I want you to know that every little thing you do matters to your people and to your God. And I want the same for myself. I want to live with passion and purpose and I want every breath you and I breathe to mean something.

So, it has become less about a book and more about a life. My life. Your life. The life that we live every single day. Yes, these daily events that make up my life might someday help shape the words of a book but that is not my sole purpose right now. Life is. Living well and loving well those God has put in my path. Walking alongside and encouraging those whose lives intersect with mine.

It is good to surrender to the wrestle, but it is also good to participate in the wrestle. Wrestling helps us define what is it is we are here for, the passions that drive us, and the purpose that directs us. It is hard, but it is good.

I do not know what my writing future holds, but I do know that I want to live surrendered to the One who does. Truthfully, there is a book in me somewhere. But the blessing right now is that it is not the book that is driving my inner desires. It is not a well written book that is making my life count. It is a well lived life that will someday make the book count.

How To Not Let Quarantine Kill Your Kids

Quarantine Parenting 101...or not.
  

Parenting during quarantine has been more of a challenge than I had anticipated it to be. I have discovered that in parenting teenagers specifically right now, there is a fine line or a tension that exists between the freedom and the rules, the fun and the mundane, the teenaged "chill" and the teenaged "angst".

We have to let them be while still being their parent. We have to provide both boundary and space, walking the line between excessive and expected, between impulsive and ordinary. Yes, there is tension in quarantine parenting.

I am not going to pretend that I have ever parented little people through a quarantine season. But my heart lies with parenting teenagers through this season. Parenting my teenagers is what keeps me awake at night.

Aside from shedding a slim light on aspects of teenage mental health (which are very real), not much has been said about the trials of parenting well, the teenagers that live within our walls during this season of quarantine. Unless of course, you have a graduating teenager in your home, in which case there has been much said about the loss of the expected celebrations and everyone feels deeply for our graduates; these teenagers deserve to be talked about and recognized for their efforts and achievements!

But what about the teenagers that are just trying to live out their best quarantine lives right now? What about the average teenager who is trying to do school, fill time, and survive somewhat alone and without all that they are used to having surround them - friends, gatherings, and sports, not to mention spontaneity, laughter, and fun? I know that this season of quarantine is impacting, and will ultimately change, every single one of us. And our teenagers are no exception.

Teenagers are Captains of their own worlds, and quarantine doesn't change that. Now they are Captains of Quarantine who don't ever leave your house (except maybe for that questionably rebellious "socially distanced" backyard hangout...). The influence and impact of their captaincy is felt within the walls of our homes; their "chill" is not as benign as they think it might be, but rather it oozes into life and family. If you, like me, have more than one Captain in your home, it can become even more challenging to manage, understand, love, and parent through because they all ooze differently and generally at different times!

So how can we not let quarantine kill our kids, but maybe, perhaps...have them come out better people on the other side of this?

I don't have a step by step solution for this question. But one thing I do know: You have made it this far. You have parented them up to this point. So keep on doing what you are doing because parenting is not cancelled.

Teenagers need us even when they pretend that they don't. 

They need us to be present, not perfect - we are trying to figure this out. 

They need us to be gracious, not difficult - they are trying to figure this out, too.

Hold them tight, but with tenderness. Provide both security and freedom, and let them grow and learn while discovering who they are within the safety of your home. This is the beautiful tension of Quarantine Parenting: both the good and the bad are happening within the safety of your home. The key here is to ensure that it is actually a safe place where your teenager can be their own Captain while allowing others to be themselves too, where your teenager can thrive in who they are because they know it's ok to make a mistake, to push back a bit, and you - their parent - will not falter, nor fault them. 

And pray. Pray for your teenager. Pray for any siblings. Pray for your spouse. Pray for yourself. 

This is not a time to give up but rather to dig deep, so don't give up on them or on yourself. Love your teenagers fiercely, if even from a Cool Mom distance. Love them and believe in them, because you really are their world, whether they realize it or not.

If every day parenting takes work, Quarantine Parenting definitely takes work. I encourage you to give it all you've got, even when it's hard, because your kids are worth it. We're all in this together and we're all going to come out of it together, too.

From Worry to Wonder

Putting words to anything has been difficult lately. There are so many words and emotions that flutter through my heart and soul these days. It seems that they can’t land in any one place, can’t settle, can’t be felt and expressed with the weight and importance that they hold. I am sure that I am not the only one. 

As I would frequently try to grasp at the words or thoughts that fill the air around me, I find myself becoming frustrated with my inability to make sense of it all. That frustration led to what I can best describe as worry. Now I am not a worrier by nature; I tend to see and fight for the positive in most situations and I can usually tackle challenges with determination. 

But I realized that this time it was different. This time I felt a little lost, a little undone, and more than a little at loss for words. It took me a while to realize - and admit! - that what I held in my heart was worry. This worry had crept in slowly, maybe beginning back when school was still in, I was still teaching in front of a physical classroom, and my own kids were busy at their various schools doing their various classes and fulfilling their various responsibilities in life, and my husband was busy at our physical church building, loving and serving and walking out every day ministry within that space. 

On the Thursday before the “last day of school” in March, my 16 year old son said to me, “Within a matter of 12 hours, everything in my life besides family and faith has been taken away. No hockey, no March Break missions trip to the DR, to friends, no school. It feels weird. I wonder what is left in my life? Those things were everything. They were all I did. What do I do now?”, and with a perplexed look, he turned and walked away. I knew that I could have spoken words of truth and affirmation right then and there, but I also knew that he needed to process the loss and grief that he was rightfully feeling. Because I was beginning to feel it too. Everything had been taken away. So I let him walk away and I felt my heart begin to ache.

What was this worry that began to seep into my soul as Covid-19 began to seep into our country? I was pretty sure that I was  not worried about getting sick, or catching this virus (and we have been following and abiding and believing in the “Stay Home” mantra), but I was beginning to worry because of the uncertainty. So much was changing so fast that I felt I couldn’t keep up.

My older two boys were home from university, then back to residence, then home again, then back, and then finally, home. Young adults moving back home after being at away at school can be challenging at the best of times, but under these circumstances it could be a disaster of epic proportion! Without much warning, they each left their friends, their routines, their communities, their supports behind. They too, experienced loss and grief as life changed quickly for them. In many ways, everything was taken away from them as well. TIme to process all of that and adjust back into family life was important. Unconditional love and grace and acceptance. And patience.

My younger two boys both play a lot of hockey. They eat, sleep, breathe, and play hockey. Now they could not play it, nor could they watch it. A love taken away. They were also both supposed to go away on youth missions trips with our church over March Break - one to the Dominican Republic and one to Windsor but both trips were cancelled. A love taken away. They were told to stay within the walls of their home, without their friends to hangout, laugh and play with. A love taken away. One had his drivers’ license road test cancelled. Hope taken away. This 16 year old who was born into the world during SARS and has major life events cancelled because of Covid-19. What does this mean for his life? How does this reality play into who he is and who he will become?

With so much being taken away, worry began to settle in. I did not invite it in, but I certainly let it in. I let it in almost without knowing it. It just started to creep into my thoughts and I let it stay there. As one postponed event piled on top of another cancellation and then another and another, I did not give myself time to think, process and accept the reality of life around me - the loss and the grief that goes along with it. I felt for my kids and for all they had to endure and adjust to. I felt for my husband and all that he was adjusting to as well. As mom and wife, I just rolled with the changes, and tucked my worry deep into my chest hardly even realizing it was there.

Until one day my chest told me it was there...literally. I woke up one morning with a heavy pain in my chest. I knew instinctively that this was a heart issue. Not a medical heart issue but an emotional and spiritual heart issue. I was holding tight to something that wasn’t mine to hold. I needed to let go of something, give it away, get rid of it. 

And that thing, that painful heaviness in my chest, was worry.

I first had to admit that I was holding it and then I had to willingly relinquish that hold. During this process, I was able to take my worrisome thoughts, those things that I was holding on to, those ideas and thoughts that I knew deep down in my soul were not helpful to anyone, especially me and exchange them for wonder. 

My heart went from worry to wonder.

I changed my worrying thoughts into questions about and for God. In doing so I shifted my perspective from worry to wonder. Instead of focusing on “What on earth is going on?”, I intentionally changed my thoughts to “What is God doing on His earth?” and “What is God doing in me?”

Worry for my kids changed to wonder about how God was going to use this situation in their lives in the future.

Worry for my husband changed to wonder about how God is changing our church for the better.

Worry for my job to wonder at how God will use these new online skills I am learning to benefit so many other people.

Worry for my ministry opportunities to wonder at the creativity of God to use me however he sees fit - and my willingness to participate in that as well.

I needed to refocus, reframe, and retrain my thought patterns. 

The Bible tells us in Colossians 3:2 to “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things,” and in 2 Cor 4:18 we are reminded to “...fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” In other words, if we focus on the negativity that surrounds us, we lose sight on the beauty that awaits us. The beauty given to us in the everyday good gifts from a gracious and loving God who seeks to know us and be known by us.

If we fix our eyes on the worry we will lose sight of the wonder.

So how do we do this? How can we stay focused on the wonder and not the worry? I have a couple of suggestions for you.

1. Memorize and meditate on the verses I mentioned above. (Col 3:2 and 2 Cor 4:18)

2. Go on a Wonder Walk. Get out of your house (keeping appropriate distance of course), and wonder about God. Where is He? How is He showing Himself to you? What do you want to ask Him? If you are worried about something, say it out loud and then immediately ask God a question about it. He can take it. He is a big God.

3. Make a Worry to Wonder list. Get a sheet of paper or turn to a blank page in your journal, draw a line down the middle of it. Title one column “Worry” and the other “Wonder” and begin to list your worrying thoughts. Writing them out brings them from your heart into reality, and this is helpful. Spend some time on this. Ask God what you are holding on to and then ask Him about that. What can you wonder about the worry you are carrying?

4. Read a good book! Among many others on this topic, I would suggest:

• Get Out Of Your Head, by Jennie Allen (my most favourite read right now!)
• The Next Right Thing, by Emily P Freeman
• Sick of Me, by Whitney Capps
• check out the podcast offered by this authors as well!

5. Make time to listen. Listen to the wonder of God all around you - in your home, in your family, in your watching, in your thoughts. And thank Him. Thank God for each one.

If you are holding worrying thoughts in your heart, chances are you didn’t invite them in. Identify them. Say them outloud. Write them down. Then replace those thoughts with thoughtful questions about God and about yourself. Enjoy the wonder of God and the fullness of life He has to offer you!

Fix your eyes, change your thoughts and watch your heart go from worry to wonder.