He went to see his doctor today. He went to see his endocrinologist who keeps track of all sorts of important levels that the regular person has no regular thought of. He went for his regular annual check up, something he will probably have to do for the rest of his life. But he went to see his doctor today. And today was, seven years ago, The Day. The Day that is forever etched into the grain and ebb and flow of our family. The Day, the first day of a journey that has shaped our life & our family, our marriage & our ministry.
And today, I let myself wander back to that day. I sit there, and I feel it all. I realize that on this particular day, seven years ago, I had no idea what the rest of the story would be, how life would unfold, the crazy hard and the beautiful holy that I would witness. The truth is that we never do know what the rest of our story will be. We live in today and have a hope for all our future tomorrows. But today, I look back at the story, just briefly, and I let my mind ponder and treasure it all...
~How seven years ago tonight I left my husband in his hospital recovery room expecting him to, well...recover. His neurosurgeon had said everything had gone “very well.”
~How seven years ago I went to bed alone on this night, after tucking in my 4 young boys, and cried tears of release, anxiety, worry, and flat out hope.
Hope for something to change, for something to work, for the tumour to be all gone, for his pituitary gland to start working, for his body to begin the slow climb to health and wholeness and normalness.
Hope for our family, for the husband and dad that I once knew to return and fully embrace the life that we had built together.
~How seven years ago Jesus walked us through a valley that could have been so deep and dark except for the grace and light that kept us walking.
~How seven years ago we were given decisions to make that no one should ever have to decide.
~How seven years ago God brought us to a new dependency on Him, choosing Life and Trust and Faith when it would have been so easy to walk away...mad.
~How for the last seven years we have been learning how to live the resurrection life because God did just that.
But I can’t help think about how different things could have been. I hear stories of others - so many stories - that ended differently than ours. Stories that are full of hope and Jesus even though they involve death and loss. And I wonder, “Why God?”, not questioning the very real pain we did go through, but rather pain we didn’t have to go through. “Why God, did you rescue him, save him, and flat out miraculously heal him? Why not her husband? Why did you not heal that pastor? Why did that dad have to leave his wife and children behind? Why God, did you choose life for Andrew - for us?"
This is the question that sits in my heart, mind and soul each and every day. This is the question that calls me to more each day, that reminds me that even though I can desperately try to control my life, really I can’t and really, I don’t want to.
God gives and takes away, and in either circumstance,
He is still God and
He is still good.
That God redeemed Andrew’s life when He clearly had every opportunity to take it, this is grace. That we, for the last seven years have been learning to live out the resurrection life that God has called us to, this too, is grace. There is so much in that, so much to figure out as we live it out. But we know this: God obviously isn’t finished with us yet. So we are determined and steadfast in our mission and purpose.
Today is Day One is the story, the journey. It is a journey that continues to shape our life and family and marriage and ministry. This is life and when God gives you a second chance at life, you seize it and hold on tight because you know it's going to be a wild ride.
