This week held within it, among many other things, a visit from my Course Director to my classroom. These moments are always scary! As much as I tried to tell myself to just get up there and do it, I was afraid that the students would act up, that the lesson would flop, that I would forget where I was going with everything, or that I would say something stupid! I was really nervous right up to the point when the lesson started. Then the nerves left, and I carried on just fine! I loved it actually. It was a challenge, that's for sure, but the class was great - no major behaviours to deal with, but they also weren't quiet and unengaged either. My Course Director had some good things to say, so that was both encouraging and a relief. And that is done - for now. Honestly, it did take so much out of me that by Wednesday night, I was exhausted! When I woke up on Thursday morning, I was sure it was the weekend...I had nothing left to give. But I pushed through and made it through to Saturday. Yay!
This week also held my Mitchigator's 4th birthday! Wow - I can't believe he is 4!! When I think of all the past 5 years has held, I am astounded to think of what we, as a family, have come through. But I am so thankful and feel so blessed to realize that we didn't "just" come through those years, but we "conquered" them! I wouldn't trade the struggles and pain of the past 5 years for anything. God has used those things to make us stronger, more compassionate, more deliberate, and more gracious.
For me, Mitchell's birthday always symbolizes redemption - in so many ways. His birthday is on the 17th, and it was on the 16th one year prior to Mitchell arriving that I lost my dear little baby. 5 years later, I still cannot forget the emotions, smells, events of that day. I was busy enough this year that I couldn't dwell on it, but I did certainly remember it; I remember him like it was yesterday. I thought on the evening of the 16th that this was the first year I didn't cry....that was on the 16th. Today is a different story. But I let the tears come because I need them to. And that is OK. I will be OK - and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is better than OK.
So the 16th holds it own set of emotions, which hold in juxtaposition, the emotions of the 17th. More than just being Mitchell's birthday and a day to celebrate him, it is a day (much like every other day actually), that I am truly thankful for Mitchell and his presence in our family. When Mitchell was 3 months old, I became very sick and was hospitalized for a time. This separation from him nearly killed me, if the infection wasn't doing that on it's own. And in the months of my recuperation, Mitchell became my reason to get out of bed in the morning (when I could), my reason to get better; he became my reason to live. If he had not been a part of my life, needing me so badly as a newborn, pulling on my mother heart-strings, those long days of recovery would have been even longer, I'm sure. He is my life saver, both emotionally and physically.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love my other boys. I do...deeply and dearly. I have every reason to live for them too, I know! I'm sure that God would have provided a different motivation for me if Mitchell had not been around. But the fact is that he was. That was the timing of the events in our life. Every November 17th I am thankful for my Mitchell is so many ways.
There is so much more to the story than I will post here and now. But these emotions, along with the heightened intensity of a visit from my Course Director, took up my week! And I share all this hoping that it will encourage someone else, that it will inspire you as you walk the path you are on. Know that God is in control; that he has your best in his heart even if you can't see it. Just wait...the blessing is there.
It truly, truly is.
