Observations

This week held within it, among many other things, a visit from my Course Director to my classroom. These moments are always scary! As much as I tried to tell myself to just get up there and do it, I was afraid that the students would act up, that the lesson would flop, that I would forget where I was going with everything, or that I would say something stupid! I was really nervous right up to the point when the lesson started. Then the nerves left, and I carried on just fine! I loved it actually. It was a challenge, that's for sure, but the class was great - no major behaviours to deal with, but they also weren't quiet and unengaged either. My Course Director had some good things to say, so that was both encouraging and a relief. And that is done - for now. Honestly, it did take so much out of me that by Wednesday night, I was exhausted! When I woke up on Thursday morning, I was sure it was the weekend...I had nothing left to give. But I pushed through and made it through to Saturday. Yay!

This week also held my Mitchigator's 4th birthday! Wow - I can't believe he is 4!! When I think of all the past 5 years has held, I am astounded to think of what we, as a family, have come through. But I am so thankful and feel so blessed to realize that we didn't "just" come through those years, but we "conquered" them! I wouldn't trade the struggles and pain of the past 5 years for anything. God has used those things to make us stronger, more compassionate, more deliberate, and more gracious.

For me, Mitchell's birthday always symbolizes redemption - in so many ways. His birthday is on the 17th, and it was on the 16th one year prior to Mitchell arriving that I lost my dear little baby. 5 years later, I still cannot forget the emotions, smells, events of that day. I was busy enough this year that I couldn't dwell on it, but I did certainly remember it; I remember him like it was yesterday. I thought on the evening of the 16th that this was the first year I didn't cry....that was on the 16th. Today is a different story. But I let the tears come because I need them to. And that is OK. I will be OK - and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is better than OK.

So the 16th holds it own set of emotions, which hold in juxtaposition, the emotions of the 17th. More than just being Mitchell's birthday and a day to celebrate him, it is a day (much like every other day actually), that I am truly thankful for Mitchell and his presence in our family. When Mitchell was 3 months old, I became very sick and was hospitalized for a time. This separation from him nearly killed me, if the infection wasn't doing that on it's own. And in the months of my recuperation, Mitchell became my reason to get out of bed in the morning (when I could), my reason to get better; he became my reason to live. If he had not been a part of my life, needing me so badly as a newborn, pulling on my mother heart-strings, those long days of recovery would have been even longer, I'm sure. He is my life saver, both emotionally and physically.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love my other boys. I do...deeply and dearly. I have every reason to live for them too, I know! I'm sure that God would have provided a different motivation for me if Mitchell had not been around. But the fact is that he was. That was the timing of the events in our life. Every November 17th I am thankful for my Mitchell is so many ways.

There is so much more to the story than I will post here and now. But these emotions, along with the heightened intensity of a visit from my Course Director, took up my week! And I share all this hoping that it will encourage someone else, that it will inspire you as you walk the path you are on. Know that God is in control; that he has your best in his heart even if you can't see it. Just wait...the blessing is there.

It truly, truly is.

Birthday Poems for Daddy

Andrew turned 40 recently, and I had my kids do a framework poem that I had done at school. They did such a great job, that I thought I'd post them here.

Turning 40 is purple
It sounds like the splash of a giant cannonball
It smells like cheese
It tastes like pizza flavoured ice cream
It looks like fun
Turning 40 feels like winning the baseball championship game
It is fantastibobia!

Love, Matthew


Turning 40 is green
It sounds like…Honking horns
It tastes like…Corn dogs
It looks like…Blurs zooming past you [us] J
It is…One of your greatest achievements in your life!

Love
Johnathan or Johnny or John or J!


Turning 40 is red
It sounds like partying
It smells like lemon meringue pie
It tastes like birthday cake
It looks like balloons and streamers
Turning 40 feels like you are the king of the world
It is exciting!

Love, Eric


Turning 40 is red
It sounds like VeggieTale music
I smells like your clean skin
I tastes like watermelon
It looks like Elmo
Turning 40 feels like hugging you
It is awesome!

Love, Mitch


Happy birthday, Daddy!!

The Polar (York) Express

Wow - it's been forever again since I've blogged! But one of my dear friends is an avid and very talented blogger and she inspires me (thanks S!)

If you've ever seen the movie "The Polar Express", there is a scene in there that depicts my life these days. I'm thinking of the time in the movie when the kids are all on the train, then suddenly it begins to head down the mountain so fast on the twisty turny railroad track and everyone, especially those standing out on the front, are holding on for dear life. Then they hit the frozen lake and skid and twist to a halt. Lately I feel like I'm on the Polar Express train! It is showing no signs of stopping, and I'd just like to jump off except that I know it would probably kill me to do that. I haven't hit the frozen lake yet because I'm still on the twisty turny ultra-fast and getting faster descension part of the ride. And both the frozen lake and the next station seem so far away!

So often I just want to get off, to jump off the train. There are days when I think I can't take much more; most days I feel like I'm not doing enough, but rather I'm doing just what I need to in order to get by. I keep telling my husband that one of these days, school needs to become a priority in my life. Right now, it seems like just a crazy "add-on" that I enjoy doing when I get the time. I am still choosing to put my kids and family first; I am more willing to sacrifice my schoolwork to attend to their needs than the other way around. I know this is somewhat out of guilt and somewhat out of sheer love for them.

I am more thoughtful today in my post than anything else. I am feeling overwhelmed, yet resistant to let others "fix" it. I want to be able to do it all - look after my own family, be a good daughter and sister, spend time with my dear friends whom I miss, and be successful in my academics as well. However, I realize that I can't. I was reminded this week of the verse from Isaiah 40:31,

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

That is the strength that I am determining to take in with me each and every day. I start my 3 week teaching block on Monday, and I am going in feeling completely unprepared (at least, as of this morning!!). But I am also going in on more than just my strength, and I am thankful for that.

I know I will get to the station - and I know it will be better than the North Pole when I do! If my Table 12 peeps are reading this - thank you for you...each and every one of you. I'm so glad we are on this train together!!

New Beginnings

Well, here it is...Labour Day weekend. For many of us this signals the end of summer, or the beginning of Fall. It generally depends on your perspective, I think!

I am embarking this year (actually, my entire family is embarking!!) on a new journey. A journey that I will call "Mommy Goes Back to School and the Whole of Life Seems to Change". That's right...I started school last week! I am one of 65 students at the Peel Site of the Faculty of Ed at York University. I can't believe that I'm already one week down, but it was fun! I actually really liked it!

Day One was hard - like the first day of school for everyone! I realized how insecure I was as I prepared for that first day of school. What should I wear? Will I be cool, or old and nerdy like I feel? Will people think I'm nice, or will they turn the other way for the younger, hipper friends? What if I choose to wear something that is the same as someone else - or worse, what if I wear the same thing as my teacher???? Yikes. But, everything turned out fine. I made good friends right away with another "forty-ish" Mom of 2 boys (the same ages as my Matt and Eric). I think we found solice in each other; she was a God-send, I'm sure. We sat together all day, had lunch together, and talked of our fears and concerns, and excitement about the coming year.

Day Two was challenging - more stuff piled on the load introduced the first day. Assignments, deadlines, drafts, presentations, group work, etc. It was good, but a lot to think about! We started a new class on Models of Education and it is very philosophical. "What is education? Can we create education? Why do we educate young children? What is young? Why educate?..." This one will be a challenge for me, I know that already. Paper done though...and it's not due until Sept 13!!

Day Three presented a challenge only in that I was exhausted already! When I say next what I am going to say, I am in no way being racist, prejudiced, or judgemental. I sit at a table with 5 other women...3 Muslims, 1 East Indian, 1 Black woman, and myself. And I only mention that because it has been a wonderful - and eye-opening, I should add - experience to truly BE the minority. My table is so representative of Mississauga and it is good for me! I love these women. I know that God placed me with them for a reason. And it is my prayer that there are no boundaries between us, but rather that we develop great and trusting friendships that transcend the lines of culture and religion. I pray that I am protected by Christ and am able to shine His light, and that by loving them with His love, we become supporters and encouragers of each other. They are young and fun, and I have a lot to learn from them!

Day Four was spent at York U campus, getting textbooks and getting acquainted with the many other campuses of Yorks Faculty of Ed. It was a great orientation to be a teacher. What a great calling - I am so excited to continue this journey!!

Day Five was TGIF!! The great and fantastic thing about Friday was that I met my Principal and Mentor Teacher for my practicum teaching. They are wonderful people! My newly made, forty-ish girlfriend (I'll call her Nina here) is also placed at the same school, so we are together again! I am so glad. There are actually 5 student teachers from York at my school together. It will be a great teaching and learning time!

I am planning on enjoying my last day of "freedom" as we wrap up the final long weekend of the summer. I enjoyed last week. I know that the coming weeks will be challenging, growing, changing, and frustrating at times! My kids have been great, my husband fantastic. It was hard to suddenly, after being "home" for 12 years, to be "not home" for a whole week. I missed my boys, that's for sure. I am hoping to find routine soon enough, for the benefit of us all.

For now, I am trusting that God is in control, that He knows what is best for us all. I am looking forward to being a teacher - to coming out the other side of this!

The Best Laid Plans

The best laid plans always go awray. Isn't that how the saying goes? I had fantastic plans for today...my last day of providing day care to one family, only half of the other family would be with me today, a super fun morning at the splash pad with super fun friends (providing both good adult conversation and lots of exercise for the boys!) with the main purpose of expending the energy trapped in the little boy bodies that surround me so that I could spend the afternoon with my Thursday Girls finishing up our Bible Study on Jesus. My well planned day would end with an evening of chatting over coffee at the local Starbucks (or one of them at least!) with my newly acquired "mentor" in a not so newly acquired friend. Well, I was reminded today that "our thoughts are not God's thoughts, our plans are not His plans".

So I ask myself, "What were God's plans for today then?"

Apparently His plans were NOT that I would go to the splashpad, they were NOT that I would end well with my day care families, nor were they to expend the energy trapped in the little boy bodies that surrounded me. Instead I had a sick little girl lying on my couch, trying to not throw up, while pretending to watch TV and trying not to be annoyed by her little brother and my little Gator as they ran around the house chasing a balloon, or wielding swords, or screaming like banshees, or being cars or trucks or trains or whatever else suited their fancy. This sick little girl meant that I had to stay home until I could reach her mother who then had her grandparents come and pick her up, take her home and put her to bed. I kept asking God, "Why is this happening?" I wasn't really mad...disappointed maybe, but mad, no. I knew that obviously there was a reason for all of this...or reasons, whatever the case may be. And I may never know those reasons, but what I do know is this: I had prayed so diligently over the last few weeks that I would be Christ to this group of children God has me look after. I wanted our house to be a safe, welcoming and comfortable place for them. I wanted them to sense God in our house. I wanted to see them as Christ sees them and love them as Christ loves them...to the best of my human ability, that is!

And what I know is that God answered my prayer. He held up a mirror to me that reflected back to me who I really am...not just who I see, but who He sees. He affirmed today that our house is safe, that these kids trust me, and that they probably even LIKE me! :) See, as the day wore on, I had little chats with this sick little girl and as it turns out, I don't think she was really sick at all. She told me that she had heard that if you have 3 worries, they can make you sick. Jumping quickly on this observation, I asked her what her 3 worries were that were making her sick. One was a bad dream, one was something bad that she heard that happened somewhere that she didn't know, and the other was a bad thing that she feared happening to herself. She detailed these to me (which I will not do here), and my heart broke for her. She didn't have the flu...she had scared herself into a tummy ache. Oh God, protect this little heart!!

My mentor asked me tonight what this tells me about God. The fact that this little girl shared these deep fears with me...what does that tell me about what God thinks of me? I realized in trying to answer that question that God trusts me, and that He entrusted these young lives into my care SO THAT THEY COULD SEE HIM. He told me tonight that I had been faithful to the task. I am not sorry to see my day care days slipping behind me, but I am very thankful that I allowed Him to change my attitude so that I could love these kids and be Christ to them. There is a great freedom in knowing you have been faithful...not a prideful or pious emotion, but a contentment and peace that seals the deal. It is good, really good.

Another day, another blessing. I saw God all over today...He plastered my day with bits of Himself. It wasn't any one, huge thing, but rather many little things. I can remember Beth Moore saying that even "our life's detours are the providence of God." The detours that can send us for a loop are really already planned by God. We just have to trust Him.

My day was full of detours, but thankfully, the road was already planned by my God. And thankfully too, in the midst of all the other detours I was able to finish off with my Thursday Girls (I love them!!) with some really great discoveries and reminders of Jesus as King of our lives. And I found out that I am going to be an Auntie again!!! Yay!! I am so excited! And I had a lovely coffee at Starbucks while talking about life and God and other such mysteries.

It is good, it is all good. Tonight I am thankful for the strength to remain faithful, even on the detours that place me on the path of righteousness of His Name's sake.

Busy Day

Today was a very busy day - good and full, but now I am looking forward to bed!

It started out with a fire drill at school. I was volunteering with the Attendance Check and there was a fire drill so I had to high tail it outside until given the all-clear. This was exciting for Gator who was with me, but it did make us late for his preschool class. After class we spent some time talking and playing with our friends, then went to the park for a quick picnic lunch. Next was a stop at Dollarama to search for cheaper VBS craft options...not much there. I think I lost the lottery when I ended up with the craft portion of VBS this summer! It is always so much prep work and planning. And apparently there is a need to get some of it purchased before the next budget cycle, so the push is on! One cool thing though...I discovered that the dollar store sells Bibles! Cool, eh? Especially since I thought that a Muslim family owned and ran that store. I was impressed anyway!

After our dollar store venture we stopped at MasterMind Toys to get some ideas for some upcoming birthday parties that my boys are going to. What a great store! I could spend a gazzillion dollars there (if that were an option!) every time I go. I did end up buying some stuff, which I still have to own up to!! All educational of course...at least that is my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Next was WalMart...and apparently an earthquake that I missed while in there! I'm so disappointed. I knew I should've headed straight home instead of going there. Wierd that an earthquake hits Toronto just prior to the G20 downtown. What is God up to? Hmmmm...

Once home from that shopping trip, we walked to visit a friend quickly before the bell rang at school. It was a lovely visit, but not long enough! And as it was, we were late for the kids after school. They were well on their way home by the time I caught up to them running home. And it was stinking hot today to run in not-running atire! We all made it though...and landed safely in the air conditioning.

Then a quick dinner of ham, fries, and peas - I know, the meal of champions!! The Big E had a soccer game tonight, so we all took off for the field and prayed that it would not thunderstorm. I have to admit that sometimes I pray that it WOULD thunderstorm - at the first strike of lightning the field is cleared and we can all go home. But not tonight - the skies cleared and it was a lovely night to play soccer.

But now we are home, and all the kids, including My Man are snoring. And I wish that I were too. It was a restless sleep last night, so I am praying for a better one tonight. It is my last day of day care tomorrow, so I really want to make the best of it. I will not be sad to see it end, but I must say that I have enjoyed having the priviledge to be Christ to these kids. And that is my prayer...that they were all able to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel Jesus while they were in my home. As it ends up tomorrow, I pray for this, and as my relationship carries on with these families, I pray for continued opportunities to be Christ to them. They are special, that is for sure.

Much more to share, but I will do that in a later post. Like, how is it possible that each of my children got majorly (according to them, at least!) injured in the last 2 days? Smashed heels on boxes, flying off picnic tables, sliding out of trees....crazy things, I'd say!!

Things are wrapping up though...summer is almost here! I can't wait.

Anniversary Day!

Today I celebrate 14 years of being married to the wonderful man God gave me! In some ways it seems like we've always been married, and in other ways it feels like just yesterday...I can remember so much about our wedding day...getting up in the morning, being surrounded by my family and closest girlfriends, getting our hair done, getting dressed, trying to eat lunch without messing up my lipstick, getting our pictures taken at my parents house, having one of the cars break down on our way to the church which made up 35 mins late for the wedding! That's the memory My Man likes to bring up all the time...he wondered if I had changed my mind...he wondered if I had gone to Antigua with Shelley (that would have been fun too, but not that particular day!) But no...it had been his car that blew a head gasket on the way to the church so all the bridesmaids and flower girls had to pile out of the car and my dad had to push it around the corner into a parking lot. When I arrived at the church, I had two little nieces sitting on my lap and four other ladies scrunched into the back seat beside me!! What fun!! It certainly relaxed everyone!

My greatest memory of that day is standing at the back of the church, arm in arm with my Dad. I can remember wanting to take it all in, to not forget a thing. I can remember him squeezing my hand as it rested on his arm and him saying to me, "Are you ready?" Then as the doors opened in front of me, I looked down the aisle to the Man that God had waiting for me, and I was so overwhelmed with joy! I had been so blessed with the family God had given me - wonderful parents and two of the greatest brothers a girl could want - and now I was standing on the precipice of my new family. I held onto my Dad, knowing that he was so happy for me, knowing that he felt confident to give me to My Man, and we walked step in step down the aisle. I am so glad that I remember that. I have a picture of us walking down the aisle, and I just love it. (I'd post it, but I gave it to my Dad as part of a collage, and I don't think I have another one.)

So today, I want to remember everything about my wedding day. I want to remember the new love that we had, I want to remember the thrill of the unknown, I want to remember the anticipation of the adventure, I want to remember the private smiles we shared and the quiet words we whispered. But I also want to remember the days, weeks, months, and years since then...wow! God has been so good! He has brought us in, through, and out of so much, but never without his grace, never without his presence, never without his corrective hand, never without his consistant touch, and never without his blessing.

I love My Man so much, and the wonderful adventure called LIFE that we are on together. I'd do it all over again!

Happy Anniversary Honey.

Hide 'n' Seek

Yesterday I was playing hide and seek outside with my youngest son and the little boy I babysit. Playing hide and seek with 2 three-year olds is not a difficult task - I found myself sitting behind a mesh deck chair "hiding" from them repeatedly. It's almost as if they realized that if I hid somewhere else they might not find me...and for them each time they found me was just as exciting as the first time! And truth be told, I was just as happy to sit there on the deck pretending to be hidden in a deep, dark forest where they couldn't find me. It was a nice sunny day, and I was content to just sit there until they were satisfied that I had been "found" enough. Then these two little boys would take turns counting while the other would sit beside me and hide, but because we also had to hide from each other, we had to put our head in our hands on our laps (somewhat easier said than done for this almost 40 year old!!)...because apparently "out of sight, out of mind" was still a working concept for these young seekers!! After a number of rounds of this "I can't see you" hiding, my little guy pipes up and says, "OK, now it's God's turn to count!" Without getting into the theological backlash of wanting to hide from God, I asked him just that, "You mean you want to hide and have God count?" "Yes, Mommy, God is going to count and find us." His little friend says, "God can't count", to which my little wise Gator responded, "Yes he can. God can count forever. He loves you, ya know. God loves you 'N', he does!" N just laughed and ran off, but I thought, wow...my three year old has it down...God can count (to forever!) and he WILL find me and he DOES love me.

How often do I want to hide from God hoping that, or maybe pretending that, He can't count? Especially when the reality is that He will count to "forever" until I am found? It's kind of like hiding behind a mesh deck chair. It didn't take much for the kids to find me - they could see me through the chair. And it doesn't take much for God to see me either. In fact I can't hide deep enough or dark enough or far enough from Him. The Bible says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God...NOTHING. And that is a truth I take great comfort in.

I enjoy playing hide and seek with my kids, but I'd rather just be found in God...no counting necessary.

Chicken Balls, Baseballs....and the Cemetery

An odd title, I know, but those are the things that my last week has covered!! Let's start with the chicken balls...

My husband was invited to go to a Blue Jays game with our two oldest kids. This is not a rare event, but this time they were invited to go with another player from the boys baseball team and his dad. We have played ball with this family for a few years, but this is the first time spent together away from the ball diamond. So off they went, stopping first for dinner at a rather upscale Chinese food restaurant along the way. When they were getting ready to leave, my kids commented about leaving food on the table...wasn't that a waste? Well, yes, I suppose it was, but this was not the time to box up the leftovers for the seventh inning stretch. My husband hurried the kids along and left they with their friends. As they were walking to the baseball game, my son Matthew says, "Hey Dad, look...", at which point he looks down and rather sheepishly pulls out two chicken balls from his pocket!! The little stinker had packed them into his pocket because he didn't want to leave them behind. Then they start tossing them around like baseballs, catching them with their ball gloves that were intended for those homerun balls during the game. Don't know that our friends were impressed, but never the less...that's my Matt.

And now baseballs - aside from the obvious! We took the boys to the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame this weekend. Now, where is that? you might ask, and I have thought the very same thing. It's in a little town called St. Mary's and it was remarkably cool! My boys all think that someday they will play in the major leagues, but until then, I continue to cheer them on each and every week. We are at the diamond at least twice a week for two boys and at the soccer field twice a week for another. Fortunately the fourth doesn't play a recreational sport yet, and is content to just play at the park while his brothers contest for top spot in their respective sports!

And lastly, as odd as it seems, the cemetery. This past weekend we attended a family reunion in the hometown of my husband's family. We haven't been for a number of years and decided that this would be the year we would make our return. It was great - there were over 80 people there, many of whom I had not seen in a decade or so! But while we were there, we visited the cemetery. I used to make it routine to go and visit the stone which represents the life and death of both my dear father-in-law and my precious little son, but I had not made it there for a number of visits now. I was struck again by the short, yet impactful life of both these "men". Lives that in some ways mirrored the impact of each other, and in other ways accentuated the distinct differences. But both lives will have a lasting impact - both lives have changed my life forever. It has been almost 6 years since my father-in-law past away, and 4 since my little man was born and died (I can't believe that!). I was surprised how sad I still was, but I let the tears flow freely. Sad probably isn't the right word, because it's not really sadness, it's more remembering the sadness and missing him so very much. I hope that I always have emotion attached to these memories. Not that I want to remain sad, but I do want to remain changed because of the impact they both had on my life. Visiting the cemetery brings back the memories like they were yesterday and I am thankful for that. But visiting the cemetery also reminds me of how blessed I am, not only with the little lives that God has entrusted to me, but also with the extended family and friends that he has allowed to touch my life.

I was reminded again that I am blessed beyond belief, and I am so, so very thankful.

I'm new to this!

I know of a couple of people who really love to blog...they blog about everything...their cats, their dogs, their kids, thier husbands, their jobs, their friends, thier joy, thier struggles...everything. And I've been thinking lately..."how cool is that!!??". So I'm going to give it a shot. I don't know how I will do at this. I am excited...I love to write and I certainly have lots of stories to tell! I'd be delighted if you followed me on my journey to wherever God has me going. This is lots going on in life, and I am doing my best to follow him in consistent obedience.

SO welcome to my blog! I am truly blessed beyond belief in so, so many ways. Hopefully you will find the blessings in your life by getting a glimpse into mine. I am happy to share with you and I look forward to your involvement and responses as well!

Happy blogging along with me!