If you've ever seen the movie "The Polar Express", there is a scene in there that depicts my life these days. I'm thinking of the time in the movie when the kids are all on the train, then suddenly it begins to head down the mountain so fast on the twisty turny railroad track and everyone, especially those standing out on the front, are holding on for dear life. Then they hit the frozen lake and skid and twist to a halt. Lately I feel like I'm on the Polar Express train! It is showing no signs of stopping, and I'd just like to jump off except that I know it would probably kill me to do that. I haven't hit the frozen lake yet because I'm still on the twisty turny ultra-fast and getting faster descension part of the ride. And both the frozen lake and the next station seem so far away!
So often I just want to get off, to jump off the train. There are days when I think I can't take much more; most days I feel like I'm not doing enough, but rather I'm doing just what I need to in order to get by. I keep telling my husband that one of these days, school needs to become a priority in my life. Right now, it seems like just a crazy "add-on" that I enjoy doing when I get the time. I am still choosing to put my kids and family first; I am more willing to sacrifice my schoolwork to attend to their needs than the other way around. I know this is somewhat out of guilt and somewhat out of sheer love for them.
I am more thoughtful today in my post than anything else. I am feeling overwhelmed, yet resistant to let others "fix" it. I want to be able to do it all - look after my own family, be a good daughter and sister, spend time with my dear friends whom I miss, and be successful in my academics as well. However, I realize that I can't. I was reminded this week of the verse from Isaiah 40:31,
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
That is the strength that I am determining to take in with me each and every day. I start my 3 week teaching block on Monday, and I am going in feeling completely unprepared (at least, as of this morning!!). But I am also going in on more than just my strength, and I am thankful for that.
I know I will get to the station - and I know it will be better than the North Pole when I do! If my Table 12 peeps are reading this - thank you for you...each and every one of you. I'm so glad we are on this train together!!
Yes it has been forever since you blogged! Seriously Amy... come on... what's one more thing on your plate - hee hee.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do it my friend. That crazy "polar express" is rocketing fast but just think... you're almost halfway there and before you know it you'll be there with certificate in hand, waiting for the phone to ring with a job to head to ;-)
I'm so super proud of all of you in how you're managing the craziness that you're life has become and I know there are costs but the rewards will be sweet too. Just know that I (and your other friends) are here for you whenever you need to stand at the railing of the train and scream for HELP!! We'll hope our skidoos and come to your rescue but I'm so so glad that your Heavenly Father has you and giving you the wings to soar despite the white-knuckle ride of your life!
Love you to pieces :-) Have fun the next 3 weeks. Do you think it will be easier or harder for you? I'll be praying!!
Hugs xo
Hi Amy.
ReplyDeleteOur journeys are in some ways very similar. If you don't mind I'd like to encourage you during this crazy time in your life. A couple years ago I thought I would take 7 courses since Julia was in school all day. I thought I'd have the time in the day to work on the 7 courses and then spend my evenings with my family. What was I thinking?!! I too went on that crazy train ride and felt at the time like it was never going to end. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I struggled with prioritizing and trying to not feel guilty because I couldn't do it all. Amy, the one thing I learned on that ride was this...as important as it was for me to finish school and finish well, my family was more important. I decided mid way that I was going to have school fit into my life because it isn't going anywhere. My kids are growing up and changing all the time. I never want to miss any of that. Like laundry and a dirty house, my school work could wait. Once I prioritized and held to that decision, I relaxed and did what I could when I could and felt much better about it. I can look back on that time as a great time of growing in the Lord for me. He showed me that my strength is in HIM and that with HIM by my side I can do it. He showed me what was important and helped me to be wise in it all. I graduated with honours and now I am on another ride that is far more enjoyable...working:) You'll get there too Amy:) The Lord is your strength and you're right to have school fit into your life. You are so blessed!!! Keep at it and fix your eyes on Jesus...and everything else will fall into place:)