Loss and Life and Redeeming Love

Yes, time heals. As memories and moments fill the chasm of time that passes minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year we realize we are changed. We are no longer the same person that we were. And that is the gift of time. That is the gift from the Giver and Holder of time.

I have heard from many of you who have loved and lost little babies and big babies, who have loved and lost, the loss felt deep because it matched the depth of love given. Thank you for opening your treasured memories, for being willing to love, and for allowing time to heal you too.

But here is the great thing...the greater thing:

Time, if we let it, can also be redeeming. 

Your story may be different from mine, but the Giver and Holder and Healer of time remains the same. From the very beginning of time, He set out to redeem the broken, heal the hurting, and restore the wounded. Pain and hurt and separation and death were not what He intended, but they are what He has come to redeem, to make whole, to make new again.

God's redeeming love came to me in the form of another baby. Today we celebrate Mitchell's 10th birthday. If you are tracking with me, that is exactly one year and one day after the deep loss of yesterday. Did I know this would happen? No. Did I plan for this to happen? No. But He did.

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In His perfect time, He gave us another baby. And when that tickle of truth became a reality, and due dates were declared, I was sure God was going to redeem the despair of yesterday for me, that November 16 would no longer be a day of death, but of life. Wouldn't that just be great?! But no, that was not His plan. He made it very clear to me that both of these babies were to have their special days; they were not to share the day. So one year and one day later we welcomed Mitch into our family and hearts and lives, and we have never been the same.


Not everyone's story ends up like this, I know. This is how God chose to redeem my story. Because God also had another purpose and plan for Mitch. One that we never could have guessed or assumed or even imagined. God used Mitchell for my life too. How was I to know that three months after Mitch was born I would be fighting for my life in a hospital bed? After my body was attacked by Invasive Group A Strep, and Jesus carried me right through the Valley of the Shadow of Death where I had to choose to give in to God, believing that everything He had planned and purposed for my life and my family were perfect in His plan, or choose to give up on God, taking everything back, holding it tight, declaring my strength was greater than His...I came face to face with Jesus. I knew that giving in to God at that point would go one of two ways: Heaven or Earth. I had to let go completely, trust Him completely, and choose life in Him completely.

So, Earth it was. And I spent the rest of the next number of months getting better. It was a fight. It was hard. It was frustrating. It was a battle with PTSD and life and weakness and kids and renovations (yeah, that happened) and a husband whose health was declining. Through this battle, Mitch became my reason to get out of bed every morning. He became my motivation, my "raison d'être". Not that my other three kids weren't important or loved, but my little baby became my purpose to live. I knew enough to know that he needed me, and that alone was what pushed me through each day. God knew that I was going to need Mitchell, that he would save my very heart and family and life.

My heart is forever grateful for loss and life and love.

He gives and takes away,

He gives and takes away.

My heart will choose to say

Blessed be Your Name.

My heart is forever grateful for loss and life and redeeming love.

Time heals, yes it does. It allows us to celebrate both loss and pain, and joy and life. We grieve and we love. We cry and we laugh. We give and we get. We change and we grow. We are...our life is...redeemed.

Redeeming love. That is the gift given to us by the Giver and Holder of time.

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8

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So today we celebrate Mitch! We are so very thankful for the gift he is to our family, and to our community. Mitch is full of life and chatter and fun and chatter and compassion and chatter and love...and did I say chatter? (He is his father's son...😁).

Happy Birthday Mitch! You are loved!

Loss and Life

Eleven years ago today, and it still feels like yesterday.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch.

Time passes and they say time heals. And it does. Honestly, it does.

But time also holds. It holds memories and treasures and challenges and growth and people and places and events - all significant to the passing of time and the marking of wonders and wisdom. You experience loss, and time continues to pass. Oddly enough, life goes on - around you, in you, through you, in spite of you really. And the Giver and Holder of time, life and love moves with you, walks with you, works through you, in spite of you...really.

Eleven years ago today, I held our baby. After having delivered him at home, alone, in my bathroom, I cupped him tenderly in my hands and watched his little heart stop beating. There was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do, but sit and cry and watch and wonder. I watched as our dreams for his life and our life as a family vanquished. This was not the way we planned it. This was not what our mutual marital heart hoped for. And yet this was our reality. A life that was created and desired and longed for in love, was being carried to the Giver and Holder of time and life and love, and I couldn't take him back. No matter how hard I tried or wanted to, my baby was gone. A life lived, loved and gone. I held him, told him is Mommy loves him, and watched him go from this life in my small Mississauga bathroom to be with his Maker and Creator.

This was not my first baby loss, but it was the only one I physically held in my hands. Miscarriages happen to too many people too often, and part of the searing pain is the loneliness in it all. As much as you seek to make it a private, personal time, there is also that cavernous grief that echoes of loneliness and hurt and sadness and disappointment. The early loss of a baby is different because too much of society tells us that it isn't really a loss, you didn't really have time to love that baby, you didn't even know your baby. Those of us who have walked this road know different. Love and grief go hand in hand. It is more than OK to love, and it is more than OK to grieve.

Time passes and all the memories and moments begin to flow together. They are treasures and challenges that hold us and shape us, they change us and make us better people if we let them. When faced with challenges and heartache and questions, I always pray that God uses it to change me because I don't ever want to go through such pain and not come out different on the other side.

If I don't allow God to use this pain in my life, then it is pointless. 

If I don't let God take the time to use this to change me, make me different, reshape my heart and life and hope, then it is worthless. 

All it is then, is pain. Empty, hopeless pain. 

God wants so much more for you, for me. Pain in our world is a result of sin, of the infiltration of things that God did not intend for His creation. Yet it exists. But His promise is that He will make all things new, that what was intended for evil, He will make right and good and whole again. That is His promise to us. That is His gift of time and life and love to us.

Time. Yes, time heals. But it is the Giver and Holder of time that really heals. Time is a gift He gives us to treasure and challenge and change. Time is the space that holds all things precious and painful. Time is filled with memories and moments and stories that long to be told and used.

Eleven years and the memories of the pain and reality and loss and death and sorrow and Presence are close enough to touch. 

His Presence is still close enough to touch. Through loss and through life, His Presence is close enough to touch.

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If you know our story, you know that Andrew and I have been through many challenges that have brought us face to face with Jesus. This is just one of them. God is the Giver and Holder and Healer of time and life and memories and moments that make us more like Jesus. And really, it is His Presence that allows time to heal us. Healing, physical and emotional, is a journey that takes time. Give it time. Give God the time to work wonders in your life. Time is a gift. Accept it and let it heal you,