To watch, I had to stop. I mean to really watch I had to really stop. In fact I had to stop in order to realize that I could even watch. I was so wrapped up in my own discontentment that I nearly missed the great things God was doing around me. In the busyness of my life, watching wasn't even an option. Until I stopped - until God stopped me. Until I was quiet. Until my trampled soul remained down in the quiet long enough to take a deep breath and invite peace and life back in. Then God said, "Look. Look and watch what I have been doing".
I watched what I had done in the past. God reminded me that like these women watching at the cross, I have been deep in the trenches of church ministry. I had spent years walking and talking and working with him, yes, even eating with him. God allowed me to watch and re-watch some of the great moments and events he had allowed me to be a part of as we have journeyed the past 40+ years together. He reminded me that those past moments were what rooted me deeply to him. My relationship with him is not about what I do, it's about who I am each and every day. It's not always about the doing, but it is also in the watching that we learn and grow. It is also about where we have been together, and that was important for me to remember.
I watched what was going on around me in the present. God showed me that my watching meant others were doing. God had me sit back and see the good that others were doing. He let me rejoice in how they were growing, in how they were being used, and in the great moments that he alone was creating for his good purposes. I watched women blossom and their lives became a sweet fragrance to God.
I watched what God had been doing. God showed me the bad and the ugly for sure, and there was tears and forgiveness and reconciliation in that as my soul was mended. But God also showed me the good. Good in how he used me in the lives on 22 little individuals - and their families. Good in how my dependence on him grew stronger and deeper every single day. Good in how my reputation stayed in tact, my determination remained firm, and my representation of him shone bright. The good I did in that classroom went way beyond the curriculum. My "kids" learned what unconditional love meant and they learned about grace and forgiveness and trust. I was his hands and feet and heart to a group of little hearts that needed his touch in their lives. I pray that they all remember this year as special, even if they can't put words to it. In reality I was doing ministry in a whole new way. Yes, I was watching, but I realized that God had me doing too.
So, I guess I was watching and doing.
I was just doing what I thought I would be watching, and watching what I thought I would be doing.
As I took a long look into the watching women of the cross, God showed me something else. These women were the first to go to the tomb. They sought him even after his death, and they sought him hard and deep (Mark 16). The reward? Mary was the first person he appeared to after his resurrection.
"But Mary stood outside facing the tomb, crying. As she was crying, she stooped to look into the tomb. She saw two angels in white standing there...'I don't know where they've put Him.' Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, though she did not know it was Jesus."
John 20:11 - 14
Mary was watching at the cross, Mary was watching at the tomb. She turned around and saw Jesus standing there. Can you imagine what Jesus was thinking right then as he veiled his Holy Self from her? Her confusion of grief and sorrow so deep it is only matched by His compassion and love for her.
And in an act so common it is mind-blowing, he reveals himself to her.
"Jesus said, 'Mary'"
He says her name. He calls her by name and the veil is lifted from her eyes and she is watching Jesus - again...living and breathing and saying her name. Wow. Mary was so faithful in her doing and in her watching. She had worked up close and watched from afar. And now she was being trusted to see and to spread the word! "Go and tell My brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see Me there." (Matt 28:10).
"Go and tell...and they will see Me there."
Being faithful in the doing and the watching means God will continue to use me in the future. God will continue to call me into many different places with many different people. He calls me to "go and tell" through my doing and my watching, so that many others "will see [Him]". How awesome is that?
One last thought. I have learned throughout this that the more of myself I give to Jesus, the more of Him I get. Even when I wasn't giving or getting on purpose, it was still happening. The Holy Spirit was still at work causing me to constantly surrender of myself SO THAT I would receive more of Him. What a blessed and holy exchange!
I am so thankful to be a watching women. It is my prayer this coming year that I can be a watching woman who watches women because there is nothing greater on earth than watching women who learn and grow by doing life and ministry together. And really, the Bible tells us in each gospel that there were "many other women" gathered by Mary, watching too. This is a whole other facet to the story, but the truth here is that we are not alone in our watching. I wasn't, and still am not, alone in my watching. God has placed many godly women around me who journey a similar path, who also have their times of watching and doing. I am deeply thankful for each of them.
Looking forward to watching and doing together this year!
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